October 11, 2020
When cookbook author Chrissy Teigen and Singer John Legend shared their pregnancy loss with the world on Social Media last week, it sparked a national conversation among professionals who handled their own pregnancy losses in silence. Women at my VC firm did not share their pregnancies for as long as possible, because we feared being treated unfairly. When I had a miscarriage, no one at work knew I was pregnant; I went back to work soon afterward and never talked about it there— Ellen K. Pao (@ekp) October 1, 2020Been thinking a lot about this. I went back to work 48 hours after a miscarriage, bleeding heavily, barely holding my shit together. No one guessed a thing. The societal norm should not be “bottle this up and keep it to yourself.” Thank you for being so open, @chrissyteigen. https://t.co/nVwzfl7RYV— B. (@pickettbri) October 1, 2020People came forward with their own experiences, and it became a reminder that although pregnancy loss is common, there is still not a shared understanding of how to talk about it.
What Not To Say To A Colleague Who Experienced A Miscarriage
Not everyone feels comfortable sharing information about a pregnancy with colleagues. And while some commenters on Twitter thanked Teigen and Legend for going public with their story and including remembrance photos, others questioned the decision, perhaps not understanding how such images can play a powerful role in the healing process for bereaved parents.
It’s likely that you work with someone who has gone through this experience or may someday. Up to 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriages, and there are 2.6 million stillbirths around the world each year. 
When a loss is acknowledged in the office, it’s important to be supportive, and the primary thing to understand is that pregnancy loss can take a real emotional toll. According to a study by Imperial College London, 4 in 10 Women reported symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder three months after their miscarriage, and 30% said this stress affected their work life.
If you are wondering how to support a colleague going through such a loss, consider first what not to say: 1. Even if you’re religious, don’t say it was God’s plan. When speaking with a co-worker grieving a pregnancy loss, it is really important to keep anything remotely religious out of the conversation, said Julie Bindeman, a reproductive psychologist based in Rockville, Maryland
“This can be hard for well-intentioned people that have a deep faith and truly believe ideas like, ‘This happened for a reason,’” Bindeman said. “For the majority of people that have experienced a pregnancy loss, hearing such a platitude makes them angry and [feel] misunderstood.”
When you’re wondering what to say, let the person going through the pregnancy loss lead. “Take your cues from the bereaved parent,” said Rayna Markin, a psychologist and associate professor in counselling at Villanova University. “Some bereaved parents will not want to talk about their loss in the workplace, whereas for others, a condolence card, flowers, a simple ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ helps them to feel supported and less alone.”2. Avoid “at least...” comments.Jessica Zucker, a Los Angeles-based psychologist who specialises in maternal mental health, said comments like “At least you know you can get pregnant, at least you have a healthy child, at least you have a thriving career, at least you were ambivalent about having another one” are minimising. 
“‘At least’ is not a compassionate way to start a sentence,” Zucker said. What people are often trying to convey with “at least you know you can get pregnant”  is encouragement that it will happen again, she said, but no one can say this with certainty.  
Additionally, “at least” comments minimise the experience of people who wanted the pregnancy. “They wanted this pregnancy, so letting someone know they got pregnant and therefore they will again is just painful,” Zucker said. 
In general, avoid platitudes that “unintentionally minimise or invalidate the bereaved parent’s loss, such as, ‘It happens all the time, it’s for the best, time heals all wounds,’” Markin said. 3. But don’t magnify the loss, either. I had someone tell me, 'I would die if what happened to you happened to me'...The truth is, we have to survive what we go through, so hearing that doesn't help.Zucker said colleagues should not assume that the loss is devastating, either.  
“I had someone tell me, ‘I would die if what happened to you happened to me,’” said Zucker, who personally experienced a miscarriage at 16 weeks. “The truth is, we have to survive what we go through, so hearing that doesn’t help.”
Instead of comparing and contrasting your own experience of loss to your co-worker’s, Zucker said you should stay open about what you don’t know with language like, “I haven’t been through this, I don’t know how you’re feeling. Do you want to share with me?” 4. Do not say nothing.Bindeman said she has heard from clients who had co-workers they felt close to but who never acknowledged their loss. “Oftentimes, this is because the person just doesn’t know what to say, so rather than not be helpful, they stay silent,” Bindeman said. 
But this can be one of the biggest mistakes colleagues can make. Bindeman said acknowledgment can simply sound like, “I’m so sorry for your loss.” Not everyone wants to talk about a pregnancy they lost, Bindeman said, but many do.
Showing support is not a one-time action, either. If you have a close relationship to your grieving colleague, remember to check in after the initial conversation.
“What becomes hard is that once a few weeks pass and things look ‘back to normal,’ others tend to forget the loss has ever happened, whereas the parent that experienced the loss continues to remember, and feels isolated by others forgetting,” Bindeman said, noting that this experience is individual and some people are uncomfortable and private about their losses.If you’re a manager, you need to get specific.If you are a boss or manager, being compassionate means listening to your employee’s needs and offering the same accommodations that follow any other loss.
“Treating pregnancy loss like any other kind of loss helps to validate the parent’s loss as real and grief as legitimate,” Markin said. For example, giving a colleague time off from work to mourn and asking him or her how you can best support them are two options bosses can offer, she said. 
In fact, if you’re a boss, treating your employee differently by refusing to accommodate them after a pregnancy loss can be illegal. It’s key for managers to recognise the power differential in conversations after a loss. An employee may be concerned that disclosing a pregnancy loss could signal a loss in productivity, for example. A compassionate boss would put those concerns to rest by making it clear to an employee that taking time off work and doing less is more than acceptable. 
But bosses should also not assume what their employees need and take them off a work project. Some people see working as a reprieve from their grief, Zucker said.Support is not a one-time action. If you have a close relationship to your grieving colleague, remember to check in after the initial conversation.Bosses should also be sensitive to other pregnancies within teams. Bindeman noted that if office baby showers are a company ritual and one is being planned, they can give the grieving co-worker a heads up, making it clear that attendance is optional and asking the person if they want to be on emails about the shower. 
What bosses can do to help is to overall make it clear that this experience is common. A person who has just experienced pregnancy loss doesn’t want to feel that their boss and colleagues are “walking on eggshells,” Zucker said, because they did nothing wrong.
“This is just something that happens a lot. Ideally [the boss will] put that out there, so it’s not something you’re also worried about ― ‘Is my boss going to be mad that I have another doctor’s appointment for a follow-up?’”
Instead, managers should already have assured their colleague that they can take as much time as needed to grieve. Related... Why Parents Take Remembrance Photos After Pregnancy Loss And Stillbirth Why Chrissy Teigen Sharing Her Baby Loss Means So Much To Women Like Me anti-abortion protesters 'Breaking Social-Distancing Rules' As 40-Day Vigils Begin
Related Stories
Latest News
Top news around the world
Academy Awards

‘Oppenheimer’ Reigns at Oscars With Seven Wins, Including Best Picture and Director

Get the latest news about the 2024 Oscars, including nominations, winners, predictions and red carpet fashion at 96th Academy Awards

Around the World

Celebrity News

> Latest News in Media

Watch It
Olivia Munn Reveals Breast Cancer Diagnosis and Double Mastectomy Procedure | E! News
March 13, 2024
kUaEV1Kd3S0
Travis Kelce Shares Details From His Trip to Singapore With Taylor Swift | E! News
March 13, 2024
3YXi-Dgf4eg
Kate Middleton VIRAL Photo: Agency Addresses Photoshop Claims | E! News
March 13, 2024
S4VkO0TpkCY
Da'Vine Joy Randolph Plays 'Smash or Pass' With Iconic Moments From Her Career
March 13, 2024
vkPdJEF2BX4
Jean Smart Wears a Hotel Bathrobe to Present an Award to Hannah Einbinder l Power of Comedy SxSW
March 12, 2024
Bw7uVEYQev4
Lenny Kravitz Walk of Fame Ceremony
March 12, 2024
MlWq8BcnwhE
Dak Prescott Extortion Plot & Steph Curry for President? | TMZ Sports Full Ep - 3/12/24
March 13, 2024
jHFsrjs7OFY
A Japanese space rocket blew up after takeoff Tuesday, turning the sky into a fireball of smoke.
March 13, 2024
YkfJ3Qg8B7c
#KimKardashian and #BiancaCensori hung out at #KanyeWest's listening party Tuesday night!
March 13, 2024
EfwLLq6bx9k
‘Pioneer Woman’ Ree Drummond denies using Ozempic to lose 60 pounds
March 13, 2024
Omfjk1AlZ3A
Chrissy Teigen reveals her ‘boob lift scars’ in daring dress at Jay-Z & Beyoncé’s Oscars 2024 party
March 13, 2024
VxZ2qXAlpmU
Zoë Kravitz pokes fun at dad Lenny Kravitz's style during Hollywood Walk of Fame speech
March 13, 2024
j3-lcFu_1sQ
TV Schedule
Late Night Show
Watch the latest shows of U.S. top comedians

Sports

Latest sport results, news, videos, interviews and comments
Latest Events
17
Mar
SPAIN: La Liga
Atletico Madrid - Barcelona
17
Mar
ENGLAND: FA Cup
Manchester United - Liverpool
17
Mar
ITALY: Serie A
Inter Milan - Napoli
17
Mar
GERMANY: Bundesliga
Borussia Dortmund - Eintracht Frankfurt
17
Mar
ENGLAND: FA Cup
Chelsea - Leicester City
17
Mar
ITALY: Serie A
Roma - Sassuolo
17
Mar
ITALY: Serie A
Verona - AC Milan
17
Mar
ITALY: Serie A
Juventus - Genoa
17
Mar
GERMANY: Bundesliga
SC Freiburg - Bayer Leverkusen
17
Mar
USA: Major League Soccer
Atlanta United - Orlando City
17
Mar
ENGLAND: Premier League
West Ham United - Aston Villa
17
Mar
SPAIN: La Liga
Rayo Vallecano - Real Betis
17
Mar
ENGLAND: Championship
Leeds - Millwall
17
Mar
SPAIN: La Liga
Las Palmas - Almeria
17
Mar
SPAIN: La Liga
Villarreal - Valencia
17
Mar
SPAIN: La Liga
Sevilla - Celta Vigo
16
Mar
GERMANY: Bundesliga
Darmstadt - Bayern Munich
16
Mar
ENGLAND: FA Cup
Manchester City - Newcastle United
16
Mar
ENGLAND: Premier League
Fulham - Tottenham Hotspur
16
Mar
SPAIN: La Liga
Osasuna - Real Madrid
13
Mar
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE: 1/8 Final
Atletico Madrid - Inter Milan
12
Mar
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE: 1/8 Final
Barcelona - Napoli
12
Mar
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE: 1/8 Final
Arsenal - Porto
11
Mar
ENGLAND: Premier League
Chelsea - Newcastle United
10
Mar
ENGLAND: Premier League
Liverpool - Manchester City
10
Mar
SPAIN: La Liga
Real Madrid - Celta Vigo
10
Mar
ENGLAND: Premier League
Aston Villa - Tottenham Hotspur
10
Mar
ITALY: Serie A
Juventus - Atalanta
10
Mar
ITALY: Serie A
Fiorentina - Roma
10
Mar
ITALY: Serie A
AC Milan - Empoli
09
Mar
GERMANY: Bundesliga
Werder Bremen - Borussia Dortmund
09
Mar
ENGLAND: Premier League
Arsenal - Brentford
09
Mar
ITALY: Serie A
Bologna - Inter Milan
Find us on Instagram
at @feedimo to stay up to date with the latest.
Featured Video You Might Like
zWJ3MxW_HWA L1eLanNeZKg i1XRgbyUtOo -g9Qziqbif8 0vmRhiLHE2U JFCZUoa6MYE UfN5PCF5EUo 2PV55f3-UAg W3y9zuI_F64 -7qCxIccihU pQ9gcOoH9R8 g5MRDEXRk4k
Copyright © 2020 Feedimo. All Rights Reserved.