Kids may say the darndest things, but parentstweet about them in the funniest ways. So, each week we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from mums and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!When your toddler can open the door themselves in the middle of the night congratulations, you live in a haunted house now.— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) November 8, 2019My kids will eat anything as long as one step of the recipe says “Add Contents of Cheese Packet”— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 5, 2019I don’t know started the saying “life is short” but it definitely wasn’t a parent waiting for a child to “do it myself”— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) November 4, 2019CLOCK: daylight saving time has ended you now have an extra hour MY KID: dibs— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) November 3, 2019Therapist: What do you do when your toddler has unrealistic expectations?Me: Tell her she’s acting like her father.Therapist: No— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) November 6, 2019The Forrest Gump shrimp scene, but it’s my daughter listing the various types of slime: “There's unicorn slime, butter slime, glow in the dark slime, galaxy slime, jelly slime, metallic slime, magnetic slime, glitter slime, rainbow slime, snow slime, fluffy slime…”— SpacedMom (@copymama) November 6, 2019Me: Why is there a sticker on the fridge?5-year-old: It did a good job.Me: *gives it another sticker*— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 7, 2019Husband: [3], come here before you start eating.3: *starts eating*Him: BEFORE you start eating.3 : *keeps eating*Him: I said come here BEFORE you - *starts pulling her from the table*3 : *hurriedly shoves goldfish crackers into her mouth as she’s being dragged away*— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) November 4, 2019Me: *calls child’s name*...Me: *calls child’s name*...Me: *opens candy wrapper*Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 6, 2019Only have kids if you REALLY want to watch someone do a spin 10,000 times.— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) November 7, 2019Mom friend: "Nutrition is so important."Me, knowing full well my kids survive on various forms of fried potatoes: "Totally."— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) November 7, 2019The parenting books don’t tell you you’re going to go broke buying reusable water bottles for your kid to lose.— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) November 8, 2019All day:10yo: *sniffing but refuses to blow noseDuring piano practice:10yo: *insists on blowing his nose every 30 secs— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) November 6, 2019I saw a new mom and I could see the hope and love in her eyes while she held her newborn, so I acknowledged the adorableness of her baby and whispered "run" as I walked away.— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) November 7, 2019I think I've figured out this whole meal planning thing with kids: Monday - won't eat itTuesday - don't like itWednesday - ewww grossThursday - that AGAINFriday - it smells weirdSaturday - this has chunksSunday - pizza— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) November 5, 2019At 2 1/2 year well check for my toddler:Pediatrician: Is she mimicking behavior? Like, pretending to make phone calls like you do?Me: Like pretending to shave her lady parts in the shower with a toy razor?Pediatrician: What!?Me: What?— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) November 7, 2019Me: Don’t do that. Kids: We won’t. Me: Please. It’s important you don’t. Kids: We said we wouldn’t. Me: Again, I can’t stress how important it is not to do that.Kids: WE WONT!!!!!Narrator: They immediately did that.— Fowl Language Comics (@fowlcomics) November 8, 2019Of all the terrible ways to be woken up I think, “mommy, my fart is on the floor,” takes the cake. 😳😂— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) November 7, 2019the most interesting thing about being the mom of a 6 year old is knowing that I'm way too old to be cast as the mom of a teenager in any primetime tv show— maura quint (@behindyourback) November 7, 2019At bedtime our 3yo cried because his stuffed “buddy” was missing, so I heroically retrieved it. The fact that he then began screaming for a completely DIFFERENT toy is why I’m currently drinking all the scotch.— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) November 8, 2019Non parents: This silence is nice Parents: *hears nothing* where the fuck are the kids and what are they doing!??— C͙a͙l͙l͙i͙o͙p͙e͙M͙o͙o͙n͙🌙 (@chellemybell22) November 7, 2019