Bachelor in Paradise is a lot of things: silly, irreverent, funny, risqué and more transparent about its manipulations than a typical Bachelor or Bachelorette season.
Take Tuesday’s Season 5 opener. If you thought
Colton Underwood and
Tia Booth were just going to stroll onto the beach, hang out and resolve their “will they or won’t they?” tension without any drama you’re not paying attention.
Colton’s arrival in Sayulita, Mexico, was delayed for a day, enough time for Tia to take recent villain
Chris Randone on a date and, of course, to have a good enough time to lie to herself that she was moving on from Colton.
But all the kisses (with fireworks!) and the talk about how happy Chris made her were soon forgotten when Colton showed up with a date card.
Obligingly, for the sake of the drama, Colton talked to “taxidermy girl” Kendall Long first and flirted with “bombshell you don’t remember” Angela Amezcua before doing what we all knew he was going to do and asking Tia on the date.
While they were off smooching, Colton’s initial inattention to Tia was the excuse for a (totally staged) brouhaha to brew on the beach. Other cast members were suddenly outraged on behalf of a woman that a bunch of them had met just a day ago.
On the premise that Colton was just playing Tia and that he should leave Paradise, the episode ended with some silliness about how sh-t was about to go down, and Chris and model Jordan Kimball pulling Colton aside for a talk.
Obviously Colton’s not going anywhere. We saw all those tears he sheds in the season promo. The producers will drag out this Colton-Tia-Chris love (lust? delusion?) triangle for as long as they can.
Let’s look at who else coupled up as what host Chris Harrison calls the most “caliente” season ever got underway.
Who’s Who: Tia was the first cast member to hit the beach, but she wasn’t alone for long. She was soon followed by Eric Bigger from Rachel’s Bachelorette season; Kendall (Arie’s Bachelor season); Jordan (like you’d forget, Becca’s season); Bibiana Julian (Arie’s season and Bachelor Winter Games); “Grocery Store” Joe Amabile (Becca’s one-night wonder); Wills Reid (Becca’s season); Chelsea Roy (Arie’s season); Chris (Becca); Krystal Nielson (Arie’s villain); Kevin Wendt (Bachelorette Canada and Bachelor Winter Games); Nick Spetsas (Becca), John Graham (Becca); Nysha Norris (an Arie first nighter); Angela (a Nick Viall first nighter); Kenny King (Rachel’s season); Astrid Loch (Nick’s season); Annaliese Puccini (Arie’s season); and David Ravitz (Becca’s “chicken,” also Jordan’s nemesis). And Wells Adams was back to bartend.
Who Likes Who: Everyone (except Wells, who lives with actress Sarah Hyland) claimed to be there for love, blah, blah, blah.
Kevin, who claimed he wanted to marry his Winter Games squeeze Ashley Iaconetti until she kissed Jared Haibon while she and Kevin were still dating, hoped to meet Krystal in Paradise.
David, who lives with his “best friend,” his mom, who cooks for him and does his laundry, wants to find a mate since “unfortunately I can’t marry my mom.” Eww, eww, ewww.
Jordan still loves Jordan. “A place as beautiful as me, finally,” he said when he arrived. He wanted to meet Annaliese, despite her fear of bumper cars, dogs, sand, thunder, large bodies of water, recycled plastic, guys with red hair and birds. She wasn’t afraid of Jordan, saying “he’s not just the Zoolander model from Becca’s season.” But then she ended up hanging out with John, which left Jordan and Nysha awkwardly lounging in the pool discussing which animals they’d like their souls to inhabit (Mexican crab for Jordan).
Bibiana was waiting for her “hoohaw to whisper this one is a good one,” but expressed initial interest in Wills.
Eric, who seems to be good enough friends with Bibiana to help her pull boogers out of her nose, thought Chelsea was gorgeous and Wills admired Angela’s “luscious mane of hair.”
Nick — who described Chelsea as “a snack,” said he loved moms and couldn’t remember her son’s name when asked by a producer (it’s Sammy, his guesses included “Slippy”) — tried to put the moves on Chelsea, but she decided to go to bed: alone. Smart girl.
Kendall and Krystal were both into Joe. Kendall’s plan of attack included telling Joe she likes to have picnics in cemeteries because they’re so quiet and no, she’s not bothered by all the dead people. Then she asked Joe if he’d ever seen a dead person. Krystal - who her Bachelor frenemies noted has dropped the whispery baby voice - tried to establish commonalities with Joe, like the fact they both have Norwegian heritage. But it was Kendall with whom Joe ended up making out on a day bed. (Yay Joe, you made it past the first night!) Krystal, however, forgot about Joe thanks to a generous sampling of Kevin’s “pillow lips.”
Then again, Joe said he’d like to take Tia on a date … well, if she ever got her mind off Colton.
But the “Colton cloud” lingered over Tia, throwing her into a tizzy when she got a date card and Colton hadn’t arrived.
Tia’s first date: Tia snapped out of it long enough to choose Chris for her date because of his “good energy” and they were off to have dinner.
Chris said his usual type is a “good girl” who doesn’t have a fast-paced lifestyle and comes from a good family.
“I feel like that’s me,” said Tia.
They both claimed they wanted to leave Paradise in a serious relationship. Huh, imagine that.
It wasn’t long before they were smooching as fireworks burst in the air despite the fact the folks back on the beach decided the date would be platonic and stay in the friend zone (they had nothing better to talk about? seriously?).
“Colton who?” said Tia. And she and Chris were still kissing the next morning, and then Colton walked onto the beach with a date card and it was “Chris who?”
Tia’s second date: Honestly, the Tia and Colton thing perplexes me. Their “history” consists, apparently, of them communicating on social media for a month or two before spending a weekend together — without sex. And then they parted ways, Colton went on The Bachelorette with Tia’s blessing and claimed to have fallen in love with the star, one of Tia’s best friends. If Colton was that into Tia wouldn’t he have said no to Bachelorette? And since he didn’t, why is Tia still pining for this dude? Anybody want to check the beach for Tia’s lost self-esteem?
But pining she was. “Colton walked down on the beach, I felt these feelings kind of rush back,” Tia said. Well, duh.
The fact Colton talked to Kendall and Angela before Tia (which I’m sure he was told to do) had others (Jordan, Bibiana, Chelsea) slagging Colton for not talking to Tia first. Even Colton asking Tia on the date didn’t quiet the naysayers. “I think Colton wants to keep Tia on the backburner so that if it doesn’t work out with anybody else he can scoop her back out of his pocket,” huffed Astrid. “I think Colton should just go.”
First off, wasn’t everybody all Team Chris and Tia before Colton came back, and now they’re mad at Colton for not committing to Tia? Also, it’s his first day in Paradise and he talked to, what, two other girls before he asked Tia out? How is that putting her on the backburner? Talk about a bunch of busybodies.
My favourite comment was Jordan describing Colton’s return as Chris’s “personal Vietnam” complete with sound effects for the Apache helicopters. He later comforted Chris by telling him, “You’re not a virgin; she picked you; you’ve got great hair products.”
While everybody was all up in their business, Tia and Colton were off yachting. The conversation wasn’t exactly scintillating — sample line, from Colton to Tia: “I’m here to figure my sh-t out and that also includes you” — but things picked up when they got on a jetski and Tia was able to wrap her arms around the “big strong sexy man.” Before too long they were kissing and they returned to the resort hand in hand.
But it seems people didn’t have enough to do back on the beach and the “get Colton” plot was gathering steam.
“He’s here for the rose, he’s here to be on TV,” charged Jordan. Oh and you’re not?
“He’s got to stop playing games with this girl’s heart,” complained Chris.
“Tia deserves better. Tia deserves someone who knows what he wants,” he added. And you’ve known her for all of what? One day?
“We’re gonna kill him,” said Jordan.
No, they’re not. The episode ended with Chris and Jordan asking Colton to go have a talk, which is what they’ll have: a talk, not a rumble, not a riot, just a plot-advancing talk.
So yes, as Chris Harrison said, Paradise is indeed open for business.
If you missed Tuesday’s episode or want to watch it again, it airs again Wednesday at 8 p.m. on City. There are new episodes on City next Monday at 8 p.m. and Wednesday at 9 p.m. (ABC will air the second episode Tuesday at 8 p.m.)