In the wake of the 2016
election of
Donald Trump, a number of alternate or “rogue”
Twitter accounts claiming to be associated with government offices appeared seemingly overnight to perpetuate their departments’ ongoing stoicism in the face of injustice, and more importantly, to get clout online. Who could forget @AltNatParkSer (dormant since 2018) or @AltUSEPA (dormant since 2021)? Amanda Sturgill’s account of this time in We Are #AltGov documented how “brave civil servants took to
Social Media to share the inside scoop.” The bizarre energy of this almost-disappeared part of
American history — embarrassing, self-possessed, bratty — has resurfaced in the past few weeks under the blanket of
Kate Middleton conspiracy theories across the internet. For those emerging from a monthlong yoga retreat , Kate Middleton, Prince William’s wife, has gone unseen since late December of last year. On January 17, she was admitted to [British accent] hospital for a “planned abdominal surgery.” Since then, and in the past few weeks especially, there have been a whirlwind of rumors claiming she’s disappeared, a Photoshop disaster, and ongoing suspicions about her whereabouts, despite the fact that the
Royal Family said she would not resume her duties until after Easter. (It would be crazy, but also not unlikely, if she just went back as though things were normal post-Easter and this never went remarked upon ever again.) Social-media posts on the subject of Middleton’s whereabouts range from the goofy (she got a BBL ; she got a bangs ) to the full-on conspiratorial (she is dead and already cremated ). Few theories and jokes, outside the princess’s early death, have caught on more than those that suggest she’s had it with the royal family, and now she’s out for blood, one way or another: It's time for some lit mag somewhere to focus an issue on Kate Middleton. Just a series of fanfiction pieces about her getting a tattoo on her face in a fit of rebellion, her falling in love with an older countess and running away to Iceland, her turning into a bog witch... kate middleton above buckingham palace with an
Irish army behind her pic.twitter.com/uFt6voC2yw Kate Middleton it is time for you to join the IRA https://t.co/aNaZqRKoMZ It would be so funny if Kate Middleton had like 100 burner accounts she was using to post and spread different conspiracy theories about herself while she sips a mimosa and watches the Royal family implode. Kate Middleton releasing her story like this next week pic.twitter.com/8H4w6Kd0ke Can i be the one to start a Kate Middleton lesbian rumor i feel like that would be really fun It is amusing to think of Kate Middleton as some version of the Nicole Kidman post–Tom Cruise divorce photo , whether it’s because she’s a lesbian or a secret IRA member or having some affair of her own , but these are the uniformly worst genre of online posts and worst type of theory, even when tongue in cheek. Kate Middleton, regardless of her health and status, is no folk hero. She’s toed the family line for a long time. If she was divorced — or getting one — that would be handled on her own timeline; more likely than not, we wouldn’t know a thing; Middleton’s interiority is opaque and ungiving. At the time of
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s departure from the royal family in January 2020, it was easy for the
British press to blame Meghan for the prince’s dissatisfaction with his family and duty. Though Harry credits Meghan with getting him into therapy , Spare depicts their decision to leave as a mutual agreement. There’s a penchant to give Markle and Middleton credit for changing their husbands, setting their own course, and finding their way. That’s not what’s happening here. Middleton is caught up between what are likely normal(ish) health problems and a PR team gone awry; there’s no evidence in any of her character to suggest the spirit of rebellion, and it’s more condescending to pretend that it’s there. It’s tempting to see someone fight injustice, but more often than not, it’s easier for a person to just stay quiet. These faux -feminist reactions feel dated and corny, projecting all that we want someone close to the royal family to be without acknowledging they’re a part of the royal family to begin with. The temptation to project our current social awakenings on public figures is folly most of the time, but most dramatically here, when the figure in question is one of the most complicit in a system proven claustrophobic, outdated, and racist . Middleton, however, is giving nothing — literally — and any optimism for full-scale change in the royal family’s behavior won’t start with her. We likely won’t know for decades the extent of Middleton’s personality and how she might or might not have changed the monarchy for the better. Until then, there’s at least one place you can go to see a woman in power fight for what she wants against all those who threaten to take it from her that concludes with a shocking act of state upheaval, violence, and panache: Cole Escola’s Oh, Mary! , and it runs through May.