President Biden is giving his first press conference Thursday afternoon, and "people who normally watch soaps will be like, 'Who's the new beefcake on The Young and the Restless?'"
Jimmy Fallon joked on Wednesday's
Tonight Show. Biden is facing multiple crises, including a deadly pandemic, he said, "but of course the first question will be, 'Sir, why did you fall three times going up the stairs of Air Force One?'"
"Well, here's something I didn't expect to be talking about: A massive cargo ship got spun around and stuck in the Suez Canal, blocking more than 100 ships," Fallon said. "If you look closely, the ship has a tiny bumper sticker that says 'Student Driver.'"
"There she is, the massive grounded vessel the Ever Given,"
Stephen Colbert said at
The Late Show. "I get it. After a year of quarantine, nothing fits anymore. They should have put that ship into their stretchy canal — you know, the one that looks like denim but gives?"
"We've all been there, trying to make a U-turn on a narrow street,"
Trevor Noah sympathized at
The Daily Show. "But now imagine how much more stressful it must be when you know that if you back up wrong, you might bump
Egypt." The ship is huge — as long as the Empire State Building, he said, but "the crazy thing is, that whole ship is just delivering two AA batteries. Yeah, the rest is just extra packaging."
Now, "if you watch conservative media right now, you know that at this moment, we are living through one of the biggest scandals in
American history," Vice President Kamala Harris not saluting the troops upon boarding Air Force Two, Noah said. Seriously, vice presidents are civilians and not supposed to salute
MILITARY personnel, and presidents returning salutes is "just something that Ronald Reagan started, like the crack epidemic," he added. "In fact, if anyone is disrespecting the military, it's the people on TV talking about the troops like they're crybabies."
Meanwhile,
Utah just tried to ban porn on phones and tablets, Noah said, explaining one reason it's a pointless law and laughing at its one nod to reality: "I love that Utah wants five other states to join them. So even Utah's laws are polygamous."
The
Late Show also had fun with
Russian President Vladimir Putin's vaccination intrigue. Watch below.