February 28, 2020
You’re reading Sex Diaries, a HuffPost UK Personal series about how we are (or aren’t) having sex. To share your story, get in touch on ukpersonal@huffpost.com.
Im Queer But I Don’t Enjoy Anal Sex. We Have To End The ‘Top’ And ‘Bottom’ Binary
“Are you a top or a bottom?”
It’s a question I’m asked on a near-daily basis – by potential partners on dating apps, drunken strangers in nightclubs, and even random passers-by on the street. Sometimes, it’s understandable: clear communication is the key to good sex after all, so I’m always happy to answer if the person asking actually wants to get in my pants.
But this is rarely the case. Gay sex has been mystified for decades, largely because a combination of criminalisation and prejudice forced it to happen in private. Thankfully, we’ve moved on from that time, yet even in today’s age of increased visibility, the endless popularity of the “top or bottom?” binary says a lot – not just about how gay sex is understood culturally, but also about LGBTQ+ people are treated.
For me, the answer is tricky. I’m neither. I first had oral sex in a car park at 16 years old, and within a few months I had racked up a string of similarly underwhelming and fleeting sexual encounters, usually with total strangers. At 19, I finally met someone I thought I could trust. We dated for three months, during which time he consistently pushed me to have anal sex. I always said no, but reasoned that I had a ‘three-month rule’; that I wanted to ensure the first person I agreed to it with was worth sticking around for. I had grown up being told that the only ‘legitimate’ way to have sex was penetrative, so my lack of experience made me feel ashamed.The truth was that I was terrified. I had toyed with the idea of anal play before, but the few experiences I did have under my belt were painful and uncomfortable. I know now that this was partly due to a lack of sex education and a reluctance to speak openly about sex (which has clearly disappeared over the years!) but I didn’t feel comfortable telling him any of this. I had grown up being told that the only ‘legitimate’ way to have sex was penetrative, so my lack of experience made me feel ashamed.
After two-and-a-half months, my then-boyfriend picked a huge fight during foreplay. I caved and, furious, told him to “just get it over with”. He did, with no lube and little warning. I begged him to stop, in tears from the pain. He refused, and he finished. A few days later, so did our relationship.
I spent years repressing this experience and forgoing anal completely, relying on casual hook-ups with guys who wouldn’t ask questions or make demands. When I entered a long-term relationship, I tried to bottle my fears, yet still found myself unable to have anal. Even when I occasionally topped – because my partner desperately wanted penetration and I desperately wanted to please him – I would be consumed with memories of the pain I had felt years earlier. To say it wasn’t enjoyable would be an understatement.
Last year, the trauma fully resurfaced. Another long-term partner wanted sex but pushed a little too hard; I burst into tears and opened up for the first time about what had happened. He was kind, apologetic and understanding, but months later the relationship ended – and again, a lack of anal sexwas one of the reasons.
My experiences are obviously unique, especially now I identify as non-binary and present as pretty femme.Femme-shaming in the LGBTQ+ community is notorious, and it’s a problem that persists. 
But my femininity means that guys make assumptions: that I’m a submissive ‘bottom’, basically. There’s obviously nothing wrong with that (honestly, who doesn’t like to be consensually dominated from time to time?) but it does become a problem when those assumptions mean a guy thinks he can open a conversation by saying he wants to ‘destroy’ me. Not because I’m a prude – far from it – but because the mental image of a guy ‘tearing me apart’ brings up painful memories that I’d rather forget.Not only does the question reduce LGBTQ+ people like me to nothing other than our sex lives, it props up a boring, binary framework.I haven’t dated since that last break-up, and have no intentions of doing so before therapy. But my social media timelines are always flooded with gay culture jokes and memes, which often make admittedly hilarious jokes about ‘tops’ and ‘bottoms’. Although light-hearted and well-meaning, this endless stream of viral content usually filters onto the radar of straight people, who see these memes and use them as justification for asking weird, intrusive questions to gay strangers. 
Not only does the question reduce LGBTQ+ people like me to nothing other than our sex lives, it props up a boring, binary framework, and reminds queer people that we’re only palatable when we can be read through an either/or lens. It’s not just gay men, either – anecdotally, I have friends across the LGBTQ+ spectrum who get asked dumb questions like ’which of you is the man in the relationship?’, and ’so…how does it, you know, work between you?’
Let’s be clear: prioritising penetration does straight people no favours, either. It’s a well-known fact that plenty of straight guys can’t (or won’t) bring their female partner to orgasm, and that’s partly because they prefer to pound them into oblivion rather than focusing on their needs. In a society still reluctant to speak about the specificities of good sex, de-centring the ’top or bottom’ binary should be on all of our agendas – it’s basically public service!
That’s not to say the ‘top/bottom’ memes shouldn’t exist – far from it! Ironically, memes and humour more generally helped me to cope with talking about sexual assault. But we need to understand that gay sex is about so much more than just anal, and that throwaway ‘top or bottom’ talk does add to the existing pressure to have penetrative sex, which can be damaging and triggering for sexual assault survivors like me. 
I dream of a world where I can get laid without having to explain why I won’t have anal, or where actual honesty doesn’t hinder my chances of having casual sex. That world doesn’t yet exist – because trust me, nothing kills a potential hook-up’s boner faster than a conversation about being raped.
Jake Hall is a freelance journalist, fashion features editor and author. Their debut book ‘The Art of Drag’ is out in May. Follow them on Twitter at @jake2103More from HuffPost UK Personal This Is How I Learned To Accept Being 'Too Horny' How Writing Erotica Helped Me Discover My Queer Sexual Identity I Organised A Threesome, And It Was More Empowering Than I Ever Imagined
Related Stories
Latest News
Top news around the world
Academy Awards

‘Oppenheimer’ Reigns at Oscars With Seven Wins, Including Best Picture and Director

Get the latest news about the 2024 Oscars, including nominations, winners, predictions and red carpet fashion at 96th Academy Awards

Around the World

Politic
'Trump tax': MSNBC host Chris Hayes shows how Trump winning would increase costs
Mar 28, 2024
How much would former President Donald Trump's proposed 10 percent tariff plan actually cost the average American household?The wave of tariffs Trump enacted when he was last president caused chaos, but there are many complexities that muddy this somewhat. However, MSNBC's Chris Hayes took an educated and simple guess at just how badly the country would be hit in the pocketbook under Trump's second-term plans."We don't know exactly how much everything would cost," said Hayes, but "just add 10 percent on the back of the napkin. Here's the cost of living under the Trump Tax."ALSO READ: ‘Don't have enough’: Wealthy Trump allies balk at helping Donald pay legal bills"Start with groceries," he said. "A dozen eggs cost about $3. Once you apply the Trump Tax, that is up to $3.30, with the U.S. importing over 4 million eggs a year, but cost consumers over $1.2 million. If you like oranges, they currently go for about $1.53 per pound. With the Trump Tax, that would be $1.68 per pound, which would cost American consumers almost $71 million for the nearly half a billion pounds of the import. Bananas. We don't really grow them in the U.S., do we? They average about $.63 per pound and going up to $.69 per pound with the Trump Tax, thanks to the U.S. importing more than 10 million pounds per year, that could cost Americans at $609 million and that's a $609 million tax on American consumers. Then there's tomatoes. They go for about $2.13 per pound. Apply the 10 percent Trump Tax. They would be $2.34 per pound, potentially costing Americans $3.5 million thanks to the 6.8 million pounds we import per year. If you are spending $1,200 on groceries, add another $120 to the bill. That's more than the peak of inflation in 2022, which topped off at 9 percent. This is 10 percent."Groceries are just the start, he continued."How about the refrigerator?" said Hayes. "You need to keep the groceries fresh. The average cost of a new fridge is about $1,300. With the Trump Tax, that could go up to $1,430, costing Americans $1.95 billion for the 15 million refrigerators that we import. Again, $1.95 billion of new taxes. What about the car that you need to drive to the grocery store? On average, a new car costs about $48,808 today. With Trump Tax, it costs $53,684, with Americans potentially taking a $66.3 billion hit across the board on the 13 million cars we import. That's not including the 50 percent tariff which would make it another $25,000. Even the smartphone in your pocket cost on average about $940 right now. With Trump Tax, it can go up to $1,034, with Americans potentially paying an extra $13.2 billion for the nearly 141 million smartphones that we import per year.""Everyone hates when you have to pay more for things," he added. "Inflation is one of the biggest liabilities for a sitting president. Yet here is Donald Trump, in the Year of our Lord 2024, running against President Biden, promising to make things more expensive for every American."Watch the video below or click here. Chris Hayes breaks down "Trump Tax" www.youtube.com
READ MORE
Politic
Trump-endorsed candidate says Beyoncé is teaching women 'how to be hyper-sexual'
Mar 28, 2024
North Carolina Lt. Gov. Mark Robinson had yet another group of extremist comments unveiled — this time about legendary singer Beyoncé Knowles-Carter.According to The Root, "During a series of rants spanning multiple years, Robinson —who is Black —insulted Beyoncé’s singing abilities, called her a 'skank,' and said she was teaching 'young women how to be hyper-sexual w----s.'"For example, in 2017, Robinson posted to Facebook, “Person; Beyoncé is a role model!” Me; “The only person that butt shakin’, devil worshipping, skank is a role model to is people who want a fast track to Hell.” This is on top of previous reporting that he referred to her music as sounding like "Satanic chants."ALSO READ: ‘Don't have enough’: Wealthy Trump allies balk at helping Donald pay legal billsThese revelations come at a moment when Beyoncé herself has found herself at the center of some national controversy, having written a country music inspired album known as Cowboy Carter, and some country radio stations refusing to play singles off of it because of her race.Robinson, who is challenging Democratic Attorney General Josh Stein for the governorship of North Carolina, has been put under the spotlight for a number of bizarre and offensive comments throughout the years.Among other things, he has referred to school shooting survivors as "prosti-tots," pushed QAnon and "lizard people" conspiracy theories, questioned the Holocaust, and suggested American politics was better in the era when women couldn't vote.
READ MORE
Politic
'Some prosecutor should be looking into' Trump's latest legal defense scam: expert
Mar 28, 2024
Former President Donald Trump's sprawling network of ostensibly independent political groups raising money for him, much of it in service of paying legal expenses, seems to walk right up to the line of breaking the law, former prosecutor Kristy Greenberg told MSNBC's Alex Wagner — and may in fact cross it."Kristy, how is this legal?" asked Wagner. "How can he keep saying this one thing and doing another?""Well, I think the big question here will be looking behind all of this as to who is coordinating it," said Greenberg. "If Donald Trump is coordinating between his campaign and these PACs that are supposed to be third parties and independent — the Save America PAC is independent, even though he directs it, independent third-party — if there is sufficient coordination, you could prove that, then maybe you would have something to say these expenditures are not purely personal, these are really campaign contributions. And therefore they should be subject to the limits of $5,000 that campaign contributions are subject to."ALSO READ: ‘Don't have enough’: Wealthy Trump allies balk at helping Donald pay legal billsWhat it looks like, Greenberg went on, is that Trump and his allies are "just trying to do an end-run around these various regulations, and it seems so transparent.""[Special counsel] Jack Smith ... had served some subpoenas in connection with that nonexistent, as it turns out, election defense fund," Greenberg said. "He served some subpoenas and then he withdrew them and it was unclear why, because that seemed like such a clear-cut fraud. I questioned why that happened. Perhaps it was optics. Perhaps he thought like he had such strong cases, the January 6 case and the national security case, that he didn't want to seem as though he was trying to drain Trump of the ability to legally defend against those cases. Hard to say. But I questioned it at that time because that seemed like such a clear wire fraud case that it seemed like it should be looked into, but maybe they just had limited resources and didn't like the optics of it.""But I agree with you, this raises a lot of questions," she added. "Someone, somewhere, even if not the special counsel's office, because they are pretty busy — some prosecutors should be looking into this."Watch the video below or at the link. Kristy Greenberg on the legality of Trump's PACs www.youtube.com
READ MORE
Celebrity News

> Latest News in Media

Watch It
Millie Bobby Brown & Jake Bongiovi Celebrate “Three Years of Bliss” Ahead of Wedding
March 24, 2024
C4Ehegcq1-A
Kate Middleton & Prince William "Enormously Touched" by Public Support
March 24, 2024
s8fig-RCjFc
Gisele Bündchen Denies Cheating on Ex-Husband Tom Brady
March 23, 2024
_SpRMagA8BM
Eminem, 50 Cent & Snoop Dogg Present Dr. Dre with a Star on the Walk of Fame
March 19, 2024
4bNLs1hxVp8
Opening Remarks for the Variety Summit October 20th, 2023 Jay Penske
March 18, 2024
c6Z707iLq8E
'Everybody Was S----ing Their Pants': Nick Thune Jokes About Being Born in the '70s and Fatherhood
March 16, 2024
mm7Baf6o2d8
Gunna Says Tour Will Up Creativity in Rap, Endorses Flo Milli | TMZ
March 22, 2024
QfMU24fw-Qo
Reporter Taylor Lorenz Says Palace Botched Kate Cancer News Rollout | TMZ Live
March 22, 2024
o43ZucdiyEo
Riley Strain's Body Found After Going Missing in Nashville 2 Weeks Ago | TMZ NOW
March 22, 2024
1m1zM-4_Cs8
Kyle Richards hasn’t spoken to co-star Dorit Kemsley, denies sending her a ‘manipulative’ text
March 24, 2024
LqLZzDP1hm4
Jordan Emanuel on her connection to 'RHOSLC' star Meredith Marks, advice from Amanda Batula
March 24, 2024
5NPAwlOov1Y
Kate Middleton’s uncle Gary apologizes after slamming ‘fickle’ Meghan Markle in scathing interview
March 24, 2024
JWG9kitALZk
TV Schedule
Late Night Show
Watch the latest shows of U.S. top comedians

Sports

Latest sport results, news, videos, interviews and comments
Latest Events
20
Mar
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE: Playoffs - Women
SK Brann W - Barcelona W
20
Mar
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE: Playoffs - Women
Hacken W - PSG W
19
Mar
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE: Playoffs - Women
SL Benfica W - Lyon W
19
Mar
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE: Playoffs - Women
Ajax W - Chelsea W
17
Mar
SPAIN: La Liga
Atletico Madrid - Barcelona
17
Mar
ENGLAND: FA Cup
Manchester United - Liverpool
17
Mar
ITALY: Serie A
Inter Milan - Napoli
17
Mar
ENGLAND: Premier League
Brighton - Manchester City
17
Mar
GERMANY: Bundesliga
Borussia Dortmund - Eintracht Frankfurt
17
Mar
ENGLAND: FA Cup
Chelsea - Leicester City
17
Mar
ITALY: Serie A
Roma - Sassuolo
17
Mar
ITALY: Serie A
Verona - AC Milan
17
Mar
ITALY: Serie A
Juventus - Genoa
16
Mar
GERMANY: Bundesliga
Darmstadt - Bayern Munich
16
Mar
ENGLAND: FA Cup
Manchester City - Newcastle United
16
Mar
ENGLAND: Premier League
Fulham - Tottenham Hotspur
16
Mar
SPAIN: La Liga
Osasuna - Real Madrid
13
Mar
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE: 1/8 Final
Atletico Madrid - Inter Milan
12
Mar
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE: 1/8 Final
Barcelona - Napoli
12
Mar
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE: 1/8 Final
Arsenal - Porto
11
Mar
ENGLAND: Premier League
Chelsea - Newcastle United
10
Mar
ENGLAND: Premier League
Liverpool - Manchester City
10
Mar
SPAIN: La Liga
Real Madrid - Celta Vigo
10
Mar
ENGLAND: Premier League
Aston Villa - Tottenham Hotspur
10
Mar
ITALY: Serie A
Juventus - Atalanta
10
Mar
ITALY: Serie A
Fiorentina - Roma
10
Mar
ITALY: Serie A
AC Milan - Empoli
Find us on Instagram
at @feedimo to stay up to date with the latest.
Featured Video You Might Like
zWJ3MxW_HWA L1eLanNeZKg i1XRgbyUtOo -g9Qziqbif8 0vmRhiLHE2U JFCZUoa6MYE UfN5PCF5EUo 2PV55f3-UAg W3y9zuI_F64 -7qCxIccihU pQ9gcOoH9R8 g5MRDEXRk4k
Copyright © 2020 Feedimo. All Rights Reserved.