September 01, 2019
It’s really exciting watching your baby become a toddler. Suddenly, they’re real people – complicated characters with idiosyncrasies, senses of humour and... the ability to get so, so angry.
Everything A Toddler Can Launch At You, Ranked
Whether due to tantrums, newfound abilities or ongoing struggles with bodily functions, having a toddler seems to involve a lot of stuff becoming airborne.
From best to worst, here’s everything your little big person might find a way to send hurtling towards you. BallsIf your two-year-old is throwing a ball, you’re doing alright. Even more so if they suddenly have a fluke moment of superhuman strength and slam it into the side of your head. Hear me out.
Throwing is a hard thing to master – so doing it deliberately with something designed to be thrown can only be applauded.Cuddly toysThey’re not going to smash, and the odds are anything you have in your house that could be broken by a cuddly toy is already broken, so go for it, kiddo. Throw that cow down the stairs. Life’s too short to intervene.WeeToddlerhood brings potty training along with it, which means more direct exposure to urine than the nappy years – and it’s surprising how inoffensive it becomes pretty quickly. (Only directly, though. If you accidentally kick a potty full of standing wee over, you have to move house.) Related... Every Mode Of Public Transport Ranked, According To How Much It Sucks With A Buggy ShoesIn the immortal words of Austin Danger Power, who throws a shoe?ClothesFew things get the ol’ stress-vein in the forehead bulging like a drawerful of neatly folded clothes being distributed across the room by a child who, despite happily wearing every item presented to them several times before, is aggressively unimpressed with the wardrobe options on offer.DinnerDinner being thrown is upsetting on a number of levels. Getting covered in it is pretty crap; you have a vested interest in your child eating; and, if you’ve cooked the meal in question, it’s hard not to take it being flung as a fairly bad review (“It’s a two-star, but it reads like a one”). Mealtimes are stressful as it is, and an unexpected handful of beans to the face doesn’t improve anyone’s evening. VomitVomit is fairly unpleasant, obviously, but by this stage it’s hopefully enough of a rarity that if it’s happening, Junior’s not very well. If your kid is smooshing bolognese in your hair you’re fully aware of how disgusting that is, but if they’re all poorly, you’re a bit too occupied with worrying about them to mind the nastiness too much. Then, once it’s over and they’re okay, you can be appalled at the sick-soaked monster you’ve become.MilkThe only cool way to get any drink thrown in your face is to deliver a really withering bon mot that leaves your nemesis flustered enough that they fling their Martini at you and storm out. That’s at least slightly badass. Having a cup of milk dunked all over you by a child that insists they aren’t thirsty is awful, just awful. You look like a maniac, your trousers stink, you’ve got really cold knees. Appalling.Sand“Darling. Darling. Stop doing. Stop. Stop doing that with the sand, darling. Please, you’re – it’s in my eyes. It’s in my eyes, you fu – just, please, stop throwing the sand, please, darling, please. You’re going to blind Daddy. Please. Darling. Please. God DAMN IT.”Related... All 40 CBeebies Shows, Objectively Ranked, By One Exhausted Dad CerealPicking cereal up from a milk-sodden carpet is a maddening task. As you lift each individual Rice Crispie between your middle finger and thumb, dropping it into the palm of your other hand until you have enough of them to do something with, you move infinitesimally closer to fully losing your mind.PooPoo is sort of a wild card. If poo’s being launched at you – properly launched – then you should probably ask yourself if you deserve it. There’s projectile diarrhoea, of course. But just, some poo? Being launched? Your child is a villain.SnotA lot of toddlers have permasnot – glimmering twin trails from their nostrils to their top lip that are truly horrific. If you ever become an actor and need to look nauseous on cue, imagine a child with a cold eating an ice-cream. It’s ungodly. But when it’s launched by a sneeze, snot becomes even worse, travelling absurdly fast, inexplicably multiplying in size and somehow, whatever angle everyone is facing, managing to go in your mouth at least a little bit.
Plus, if you are a glasses-wearer, bloody hell, it’s like playing Doom. As you smearily de-slime your lenses, it’s impossible to work out if you’re glad you had your specs on or not.
What a hideous problem. What a hideous world.Related... Two-Year-Old's Birthday Far From Rubbish, Thanks To These Binmen In The Last Week Of The Summer Holidays, 6 Things Every Parent Has Probably Done My Toddler Has Been Quarantined For Suspected Measles – Here's Why
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