September 01, 2019
It’s really exciting watching your baby become a toddler. Suddenly, they’re real people – complicated characters with idiosyncrasies, senses of humour and... the ability to get so, so angry.
Everything A Toddler Can Launch At You, Ranked
Whether due to tantrums, newfound abilities or ongoing struggles with bodily functions, having a toddler seems to involve a lot of stuff becoming airborne.
From best to worst, here’s everything your little big person might find a way to send hurtling towards you. BallsIf your two-year-old is throwing a ball, you’re doing alright. Even more so if they suddenly have a fluke moment of superhuman strength and slam it into the side of your head. Hear me out.
Throwing is a hard thing to master – so doing it deliberately with something designed to be thrown can only be applauded.Cuddly toysThey’re not going to smash, and the odds are anything you have in your house that could be broken by a cuddly toy is already broken, so go for it, kiddo. Throw that cow down the stairs. Life’s too short to intervene.WeeToddlerhood brings potty training along with it, which means more direct exposure to urine than the nappy years – and it’s surprising how inoffensive it becomes pretty quickly. (Only directly, though. If you accidentally kick a potty full of standing wee over, you have to move house.) Related... Every Mode Of Public Transport Ranked, According To How Much It Sucks With A Buggy ShoesIn the immortal words of Austin Danger Power, who throws a shoe?ClothesFew things get the ol’ stress-vein in the forehead bulging like a drawerful of neatly folded clothes being distributed across the room by a child who, despite happily wearing every item presented to them several times before, is aggressively unimpressed with the wardrobe options on offer.DinnerDinner being thrown is upsetting on a number of levels. Getting covered in it is pretty crap; you have a vested interest in your child eating; and, if you’ve cooked the meal in question, it’s hard not to take it being flung as a fairly bad review (“It’s a two-star, but it reads like a one”). Mealtimes are stressful as it is, and an unexpected handful of beans to the face doesn’t improve anyone’s evening. VomitVomit is fairly unpleasant, obviously, but by this stage it’s hopefully enough of a rarity that if it’s happening, Junior’s not very well. If your kid is smooshing bolognese in your hair you’re fully aware of how disgusting that is, but if they’re all poorly, you’re a bit too occupied with worrying about them to mind the nastiness too much. Then, once it’s over and they’re okay, you can be appalled at the sick-soaked monster you’ve become.MilkThe only cool way to get any drink thrown in your face is to deliver a really withering bon mot that leaves your nemesis flustered enough that they fling their Martini at you and storm out. That’s at least slightly badass. Having a cup of milk dunked all over you by a child that insists they aren’t thirsty is awful, just awful. You look like a maniac, your trousers stink, you’ve got really cold knees. Appalling.Sand“Darling. Darling. Stop doing. Stop. Stop doing that with the sand, darling. Please, you’re – it’s in my eyes. It’s in my eyes, you fu – just, please, stop throwing the sand, please, darling, please. You’re going to blind Daddy. Please. Darling. Please. God DAMN IT.”Related... All 40 CBeebies Shows, Objectively Ranked, By One Exhausted Dad CerealPicking cereal up from a milk-sodden carpet is a maddening task. As you lift each individual Rice Crispie between your middle finger and thumb, dropping it into the palm of your other hand until you have enough of them to do something with, you move infinitesimally closer to fully losing your mind.PooPoo is sort of a wild card. If poo’s being launched at you – properly launched – then you should probably ask yourself if you deserve it. There’s projectile diarrhoea, of course. But just, some poo? Being launched? Your child is a villain.SnotA lot of toddlers have permasnot – glimmering twin trails from their nostrils to their top lip that are truly horrific. If you ever become an actor and need to look nauseous on cue, imagine a child with a cold eating an ice-cream. It’s ungodly. But when it’s launched by a sneeze, snot becomes even worse, travelling absurdly fast, inexplicably multiplying in size and somehow, whatever angle everyone is facing, managing to go in your mouth at least a little bit.
Plus, if you are a glasses-wearer, bloody hell, it’s like playing Doom. As you smearily de-slime your lenses, it’s impossible to work out if you’re glad you had your specs on or not.
What a hideous problem. What a hideous world.Related... Two-Year-Old's Birthday Far From Rubbish, Thanks To These Binmen In The Last Week Of The Summer Holidays, 6 Things Every Parent Has Probably Done My Toddler Has Been Quarantined For Suspected Measles – Here's Why
Latest News
Top news around the world
Academy Awards

‘Oppenheimer’ Reigns at Oscars With Seven Wins, Including Best Picture and Director

Get the latest news about the 2024 Oscars, including nominations, winners, predictions and red carpet fashion at 96th Academy Awards

Around the World

Celebrity News

> Latest News in Media

Watch It
Ruby Franke’s Husband REVEALS Alleged Rules He Had to Follow at Home | E! News
March 28, 2024
_mU-3lE2QwI
#KenanThompson speaks out following the #QuietonSet documentary. (🎥: Tamron Hall Show) #shorts
March 28, 2024
8AGP-Gfw_Ek
King Charles Shares "Great Sadness" at Missing Royal Appearance | E! News
March 28, 2024
lyizFqf1kQY
Martha Reeves Walk of Fame Ceremony
March 27, 2024
QzyezumEPtQ
Eminem, 50 Cent & Snoop Dogg Present Dr. Dre with a Star on the Walk of Fame
March 19, 2024
4bNLs1hxVp8
Opening Remarks for the Variety Summit October 20th, 2023 Jay Penske
March 18, 2024
c6Z707iLq8E
Montell Jordan Dishes On Young MC Wedding, 'This Is How Date Night' Plans | TMZ
March 28, 2024
G3SMExj-qio
Davina Potratz Says TV Not Helping 'Selling Sunset' Relationship Woes | TMZ
March 28, 2024
D4piy4GNm4k
Logan Paul Rips Graham Bensinger Over Documentary, You Promised Apple TV+ | TMZ Live
March 28, 2024
NiSDpZhZklQ
Prince William pinned royal medal to Spice Girl Mel B’s boobs #shorts
March 28, 2024
O1cQ0UW9pco
Jennifer Garner shares ‘hard’ part of raising her and Ben Affleck’s kids
March 28, 2024
3Q7mZaVUdgc
50 Cent's ex Daphne Joy named as an alleged sex worker in Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs lawsuit #shorts
March 28, 2024
yhLFI8DG9rM
TV Schedule
Late Night Show
Watch the latest shows of U.S. top comedians

Sports

Latest sport results, news, videos, interviews and comments
Latest Events
28
Mar
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE: Playoffs - Women
PSG W - Hacken W
28
Mar
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE: Playoffs - Women
Barcelona W - SK Brann W
27
Mar
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE: Playoffs - Women
Chelsea W - Ajax W
27
Mar
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE: Playoffs - Women
Lyon W - SL Benfica W
17
Mar
SPAIN: La Liga
Atletico Madrid - Barcelona
17
Mar
ENGLAND: FA Cup
Manchester United - Liverpool
17
Mar
ITALY: Serie A
Inter Milan - Napoli
17
Mar
GERMANY: Bundesliga
Borussia Dortmund - Eintracht Frankfurt
17
Mar
ENGLAND: FA Cup
Chelsea - Leicester City
17
Mar
ITALY: Serie A
Roma - Sassuolo
17
Mar
ITALY: Serie A
Verona - AC Milan
17
Mar
ITALY: Serie A
Juventus - Genoa
16
Mar
GERMANY: Bundesliga
Darmstadt - Bayern Munich
16
Mar
ENGLAND: FA Cup
Manchester City - Newcastle United
16
Mar
ENGLAND: Premier League
Fulham - Tottenham Hotspur
16
Mar
SPAIN: La Liga
Osasuna - Real Madrid
13
Mar
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE: 1/8 Final
Atletico Madrid - Inter Milan
12
Mar
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE: 1/8 Final
Barcelona - Napoli
12
Mar
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE: 1/8 Final
Arsenal - Porto
Find us on Instagram
at @feedimo to stay up to date with the latest.
Featured Video You Might Like
zWJ3MxW_HWA L1eLanNeZKg i1XRgbyUtOo -g9Qziqbif8 0vmRhiLHE2U JFCZUoa6MYE UfN5PCF5EUo 2PV55f3-UAg W3y9zuI_F64 -7qCxIccihU pQ9gcOoH9R8 g5MRDEXRk4k
Copyright © 2020 Feedimo. All Rights Reserved.