July 20, 2019
I remember being little and sitting in the doorway of the bathroom watching as chunks of my mom’s hair fell into the sink, clumping in puddles of her tears. I was seven. She’d just gotten another haircut from another hairdresser and, like the last one she’d gone to, this one was awful at her job. The cut wasn’t what she wanted at all. The colour was faded at the roots because of her greys.
Ive Decided To Let My Grey Hair Grow Out At 32, And Ive Never Felt More Confident
She hated her greys. Mom moved closer to the mirror, craning her neck to see the back of her head. She pinched a section of hair between her index and middle fingers. “There’s no way I can go in public like this.”
I don’t remember my first haircut, but I remember the first time I dyed my hair. I was 14 and in high school. No longer were our bodies acceptable just the way they were. They needed to be manipulated ― made more beautiful. Makeup. High heels. Expensive clothing. Hair dye. I begged mom to colour my hair; it was so boring, a stupid brown. She agreed to highlights with some hesitation, admitting they would be cute framing my face. We couldn’t afford a salon, so I bought a highlighting kit at Walmart. Mom helped me pull my hair through a plastic cap and gently coated each strand in bleach. When we were done, my hair was no longer boring. It sparkled in the sun like tinsel. I thought of all the friends I would make. All the boys who would ask me out.
The reality was that no matter how many highlights I put in my hair, no matter how thin I got, no matter how perfect my makeup was, someone didn’t approve. The more disapproval I got, the more I tried to fix my flaws. I got a tan. I adjusted my weight. I got braces. I bleached my hair totally blonde. I watched TV shows like What Not to Wear and Extreme Makeover and fantasised about all the expensive clothes I would be able to afford one day, all the plastic surgery I’d finally be able to get.The reality I found was no matter how many highlights I put in my hair, no matter how thin I got, no matter how perfect my makeup was, someone didn’t approve.I was 18 when I discovered my first grey hair, and I was mortified. I hadn’t even made it to 20, and there it was ― a symbol of death growing right out of the top of my head. When I told my mom what I’d found, she told me she had a grey streak in college. “Sorry, honey. Looks like you got the bad genes.” I decided I would never let my natural hair grow out. No one but my mom could know my secret. I dyed dark. I dyed it more and more until, eventually, it was black. People said it made my eyes pop. I was exotic and sexy and looked so young for my age.
By the time I was in my twenties, my looks had become my identity. They had become my worth. In my mind, if people did not approve of my appearance, I was not approved of as a human being. When I try to pinpoint the moment I started believing my looks were so important, it mostly feels like I was born knowing it. But I don’t believe that. Maybe it began with my mother, or her mother, or her mother. Seeing my mom in that mirror stuck to me. If beauty was that important to her, then it should be to me.
Maybe it was the makeover shows we watched as a family. Or maybe it was all the boys who paid more attention to my body than to my thoughts. Maybe it was commercials. Maybe it was the girls who “discovered” me in high school, who took me on as a “project,” over-plucking my eyebrows, straightening my dyed hair and painting my mouth with thick, brown lipstick. I can’t say where it began, but by the time I was 32, I was exhausted. I had been dying my hair religiously to hide my greys, and I was generally sick of being in battle with my own body.
I decided to fight back. I knew that the intense emotions I attached to my looks were irrational even if they were very real, and I was determined to beat them into submission. I knew it would be difficult for me, so I started by making small changes. I wore less makeup and let myself gain some weight. I stopped using anti-ageing cream and stopped wearing heels. Each time I made a change to my appearance that felt like a big deal, I realised it really wasn’t. In retrospect, it all seemed so silly.I knew that the intense emotions I attached to my looks were irrational even if they were very real, and I was determined to beat them into submission.But I was still dying my hair. Hair was the one thing on my body I had some control over. No cream would ever prevent me from getting wrinkles, and no amount of exercise would make my body look like it did when I was 18. But if I dyed and styled my hair, it looked just as good as it ever did. If I let it go, people might think I let myself go. Worse, they would find me less attractive because I would look older. They would know that I’d gotten the bad genes. But why did I care what everyone else thought? It was my last battle, and I was ready to fight it.
When I decided to make the hair appointment, part of me was apprehensive and unsure. Another part was ready to get it over with, ready to prove that my fear was irrational. My hairdresser was beautiful with long, blonde hair and contoured cheeks. When I told her I wanted to shave the sides of my head and cut the rest of my hair to my cheekbones, she raised an eyebrow. “You sure?”
I looked at myself in the mirror. My dark hair fell in waves at my shoulders, as it had for so many years. So shiny. So feminine. “Cut it off,” I said. I wanted it gone. As long chunks of hair fell to my lap, I was afraid, but also felt powerful because I wasn’t letting that irrational fear rule me anymore. When she was finished, I got out of the chair and examined myself in the mirror. I craned my neck to see the back of my head. The top would take a while before all the colour grew out because I wasn’t interested in shaving my entire head. The bottom half, however, had no dye for the first time in 18 years. The grey was more like silver, like highlights, like tinsel. I loved it.
It seems silly, maybe, that hair can be so important to someone. But it was never about the hair itself for me. It was about being accepted and valued. We live in a society that tells women they are only valuable ― are only acceptable― if they are youthful. We live in a society that spends hundreds of billions of dollars a year on anti-ageing products. We live in a society that not only has a large gender divide in media representation but an even larger age divide.Hair is one of the most obvious visual signs of aging, and I hid mine because I wanted to remain visible.And it’s not just media. We tuck the elderly away in nursing homes, we are too uncomfortable to openly talk about death and I’ve seen an alarming number of obituaries in the local newspaper with pictures of the deceased that were taken 50-plus years ago. We don’t want to see ageing bodies and are actively trying to hide them. Hair is one of the most obvious visual signs of ageing, and I hid mine because I wanted to remain visible.
It’s been a year since I first cut my hair off, and I am finally totally grey. The biggest surprise? I’ve never gotten more compliments. People think it’s cool, their reactions much stronger than it ever was when it was black or brown. The bigger surprise? I’ve never felt more confident. In fact, I love what I see in the mirror. It isn’t that I feel more beautiful, necessarily. I feel just as pretty as I did before. It’s that beauty isn’t the source of my confidence anymore.
Rather, I’m finding it in the bravery it took for me to give such a ridiculous beauty standard the middle finger, even though I suspected I might be judged or rejected. As someone who has fought so long to fit in, it was so freeing to decide to end it. In a way, my grey hair is a reclamation. It is me owning my ageing body and giving it space to exist in the world without shame. That makes me feel really powerful.  
I’m also happy to report that mom has embraced her grey hair, too. She was part of my inspiration. She went grey a few years before me, and she looks gorgeous. She is too cool with her buzzed head, white hair and thick-rimmed, colourful glasses, and she knows it.
I figured if my mom can do it, I can, too. The best part: People say we look alike all the time now. Both of us take it as a huge compliment.
This article first appeared on HuffPost US Personal
Have a compelling personal story you want to tell? Find out what we’re looking for here, and pitch us on ukpersonal@huffpost.comMore from HuffPost UK Personal I Worry The Men I Date Will Google Me And Discover I’m A Rape Survivor I'm Genderfluid: This Is What It's Like To Live As A Man And A Woman I Lost My Son In A Pool Accident. Now My Daughter Is Learning To Swim.
Related Stories
Latest News
Top news around the world
Academy Awards

‘Oppenheimer’ Reigns at Oscars With Seven Wins, Including Best Picture and Director

Get the latest news about the 2024 Oscars, including nominations, winners, predictions and red carpet fashion at 96th Academy Awards

Around the World

Politic
Mary Trump 'energized' as uncle 'Donald's campaign spirals into chaos'
Mar 29, 2024
Donald Trump's campaign is in chaos, and his niece says she's energized.Mary Trump, the niece of the former president and a psychologist by trade, has previously been critical of her uncle.On Thursday, she said her uncle's failures are adding up.ALSO READ: A neuroscientist reveals how Trump and Biden's cognitive impairments are different"As the RNC’s fundraising falters and Donald’s campaign spirals into chaos, I am energized!" she said in a Substack post.She then continued:"When Donald dominates the news cycle, it’s hard not to feel overwhelmed. Every bad headline has a negative impact. But then I remember something crucial: There’s usually more to the story than meets the eye. I’m determined to cut through the media noise and share with you all the good that happened this week. These are the headlines we need to remain energized and hopeful that the media largely ignored."Mary Trump goes on to highlight President Joe Biden's recent fundraising hauls."President Biden’s $155 million+ war chest has just received another turbo boost, bringing the total of cash on hand to at least $180 million. (By comparison, between his campaign and the RNC, Donald barely has over $50 million — and continues to drain the accounts to cover his absolutely staggering legal expenses)," she wrote. "This is a development that could significantly increase Biden’s ability to influence the narrative in crucial swing states."This, she says, also tells us a lot about voter excitement for Biden."While critics have expressed doubts about the degree to which the Democratic base is fired up as compared to 2020, today’s $25 million fundraiser, raised with donations ranging from $250 to $500,000, should put any doubts to rest — yes, we are absolutely behind President Biden and Vice President Harris and we’re in this fight until the end," she wrote.Read the full post here.
READ MORE
Celebrity News

> Latest News in Media

Watch It
Ruby Franke’s Husband REVEALS Alleged Rules He Had to Follow at Home | E! News
March 28, 2024
_mU-3lE2QwI
#KenanThompson speaks out following the #QuietonSet documentary. (🎥: Tamron Hall Show) #shorts
March 28, 2024
8AGP-Gfw_Ek
King Charles Shares "Great Sadness" at Missing Royal Appearance | E! News
March 28, 2024
lyizFqf1kQY
Martha Reeves Walk of Fame Ceremony
March 27, 2024
QzyezumEPtQ
Eminem, 50 Cent & Snoop Dogg Present Dr. Dre with a Star on the Walk of Fame
March 19, 2024
4bNLs1hxVp8
Opening Remarks for the Variety Summit October 20th, 2023 Jay Penske
March 18, 2024
c6Z707iLq8E
Montell Jordan Dishes On Young MC Wedding, 'This Is How Date Night' Plans | TMZ
March 28, 2024
G3SMExj-qio
Davina Potratz Says TV Not Helping 'Selling Sunset' Relationship Woes | TMZ
March 28, 2024
D4piy4GNm4k
Logan Paul Rips Graham Bensinger Over Documentary, You Promised Apple TV+ | TMZ Live
March 28, 2024
NiSDpZhZklQ
Prince William pinned royal medal to Spice Girl Mel B’s boobs #shorts
March 28, 2024
O1cQ0UW9pco
Jennifer Garner shares ‘hard’ part of raising her and Ben Affleck’s kids
March 28, 2024
3Q7mZaVUdgc
50 Cent's ex Daphne Joy named as an alleged sex worker in Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs lawsuit #shorts
March 28, 2024
yhLFI8DG9rM
TV Schedule
Late Night Show
Watch the latest shows of U.S. top comedians

Sports

Latest sport results, news, videos, interviews and comments
Latest Events
28
Mar
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE: Playoffs - Women
PSG W - Hacken W
28
Mar
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE: Playoffs - Women
Barcelona W - SK Brann W
27
Mar
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE: Playoffs - Women
Chelsea W - Ajax W
27
Mar
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE: Playoffs - Women
Lyon W - SL Benfica W
17
Mar
SPAIN: La Liga
Atletico Madrid - Barcelona
17
Mar
ENGLAND: FA Cup
Manchester United - Liverpool
17
Mar
ITALY: Serie A
Inter Milan - Napoli
17
Mar
GERMANY: Bundesliga
Borussia Dortmund - Eintracht Frankfurt
17
Mar
ENGLAND: FA Cup
Chelsea - Leicester City
17
Mar
ITALY: Serie A
Roma - Sassuolo
17
Mar
ITALY: Serie A
Verona - AC Milan
17
Mar
ITALY: Serie A
Juventus - Genoa
16
Mar
GERMANY: Bundesliga
Darmstadt - Bayern Munich
16
Mar
ENGLAND: FA Cup
Manchester City - Newcastle United
16
Mar
ENGLAND: Premier League
Fulham - Tottenham Hotspur
16
Mar
SPAIN: La Liga
Osasuna - Real Madrid
13
Mar
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE: 1/8 Final
Atletico Madrid - Inter Milan
12
Mar
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE: 1/8 Final
Barcelona - Napoli
12
Mar
CHAMPIONS LEAGUE: 1/8 Final
Arsenal - Porto
Find us on Instagram
at @feedimo to stay up to date with the latest.
Featured Video You Might Like
zWJ3MxW_HWA L1eLanNeZKg i1XRgbyUtOo -g9Qziqbif8 0vmRhiLHE2U JFCZUoa6MYE UfN5PCF5EUo 2PV55f3-UAg W3y9zuI_F64 -7qCxIccihU pQ9gcOoH9R8 g5MRDEXRk4k
Copyright © 2020 Feedimo. All Rights Reserved.