Have you ever worried about the long-term effect of extended exposure to high volume
music on your hearing? What do you do to protect yourself? And have you insured your ears? Teamhead Anybody who works in, as you call it, “high volume music”, at this point in time knows what the risks are. Back when we started, that stuff wasn’t so clear. And the volume wasn’t so high. But a ton of blokes work in factories where there’s a lot of banging and such. They suffer more than we do and as far as I know they don’t get nearly as many women. I have not been able to insure my ears, but I have insured my head. My barrister assures me that when and if the time comes, we can make a good argument that my ears are part of my head. As a musician, botanist, moustache-wearer and pipe smoker, who are your greatest inspirations? In that order, please. BlondeOnion Nat “Hands” St John, master bassist of the early skiffle combo the Rhythm Busters. [The 19th-centuryhorticulturist] Luther Burbank. Pirates in paintings. And my dad, Donald “Duff” Smalls, who sanitised telephones for a living. I was nearly a teenager before I discovered my dad put nothing in the pipe; he just liked having something hanging from his mouth. Why use a courgette when a cucumber is bigger? TopTramp Given the relative lightness of the trouser material, a cucumber’s bumpy surface would show through and ruin the desired illusion. Your ground
BREAKING use of pointing, standing, and pointing and standing set the template for every future rock bass player. How does it feel to see less talented bassists benefit from your innovations, earning billions of dollars and fighting off armies of
Women, while you’re considered a has-been and a failure? Vunit66 I’ve used plenty of innovations from other players, like “fist in the air” and shaking the body on the beat. We all contribute to this wonderful library of physicality, and we all borrow from it. Derek Smalls (Harry Shearer), Nigel Tufnel (Christopher Guest) and David St. Hubbins (Michael McKean) in This is Spinal Tap, 1984. Photograph: Authorized Spinal Tap LLC/Shutterstock In my shared uni house in the late 80s there was Spinal Tap poster, and every afternoon at about 3pm a beam of sunlight would erupt through the filthy net curtains and alight on your codpiece. So much so that it eventually burnt through the poster. Did you experience any episodes of codpiece-related equinox/pyromaniac-type powers as a consequence? cavecanem I did, but it was at 4pm, so probably not related. You are one of my heroes, along with the sadly missed Lemmyoutof Motörhead; gamechanging bassists both. I’ve often wondered : are you related to (the also sadly missed) Biggie Smalls ? Are there any other Smalls who have the inherited the family music gene? trouthead I’m from a different line of Smallses. My mum left the family when I was four to join an all-woman band called the Hotten Totties. I was told while growing up that she was the first female professional bass saxophonist, which made me inordinately proud. As it turns out, that wasn’t true. So, in retrospect, I’m just appropriately proud of her. Who rocks harder, the Britons or the Americans? Is it about time we tried to rock softer? mesm I think you’re suggesting we take up “yacht rock”. Overprivileged Yank bands come by that sound naturally. Working-class Britons don’t express ourselves softly. AND WE DON’T HAVE YACHTS! How come when Jarvis Cocker jumped on stage with Michael Jackson [at the 1996 Brit awards] he was chased off by security and arrested, but when he jumped on stage with Tap at Glastonbury [in 2009], he joined the band? JasonJdo When we were at Glasto, MJ’s security wasn’t available. Also, Jarvis didn’t
moon us. Who would you like to collaborate with the most, musically? What was your most embarrassing moment on stage (apart from Stonehenge set issues)? annobrandreth I’d like to collaborate with Mozart. I think we’d have a lot to share. I know chords he’s never used. Nothing ever as embarrassing as when we were part of the Freddie Mercury tribute. Somebody backstage fucked with our amps, and when we’re introduced and start The Majesty of Rock, Nigel hits the opening power chord, and there’s … silence. We’re out there in front of thousands at Wembley and who knows how many more via telly, and nobody on the crew moves a muscle because they think it’s our thing. Felt like hours out there. Spinal Tap as they pose at the Marquee, 1992. Photograph: Tony Mottram/Getty Images The Grateful Dead drummer Bill Kreutzmann mentions in his autobiography that being the keyboard player in the Dead was like being the drummer in Spinal Tap; Pigpen, God chaux, Mydland and Welnick all died while in the band. Bruce Hornsby by some miracle got out alive. Do you see any other similarities? Not really. We were much louder than the Dead. Do you have any plans to set Jazz Odyssey to strings (maybe an opportunity for the next
BBC proms)? Also, what is the most important part of your self-care regime while on the road? AllyB I actually did send JO to a string arranger. He said it sounded like strings tuning up. Some pieces just don’t need that many Musicians’ Union members. Re: self-care: the facial hair, our late manager once told me, is my brand, so I spend about an hour trimming it before each show. Viewed from a slightly more enlightened 2023 – do you think there’s a danger today’s teens might miss the irony, the knowing wink if you will, in lyrics such as: “My girl fits me like a flesh tuxedo / I like to sink her with my pink torpedo”? edstar If I may, I think you’re confusing vivid poetry with irony. Or vice versa … Rock music has declined in popularity in recent years. Do you think obvious parody acts such as the Darkness, Tenacious D and Oasis are responsible by making it look silly? Canocola Rock music started out as oversimplified ditties. Then it got all serious in the 70s, with rock operettas and such. The audience got confused, and started looking for another source of oversimplified ditties. It’s a natural cycle, like the seasons. What encouraged you to write a song about Barbie rather than one about Oppenheimer? WileyKid23 The Oppenheimer people weren’t filling my eyes with pink. Nobody needs pink-eye. Also the Barbie people were spending way too much money just to sell a bloody doll, weren’t they? Could you see yourself like Mick Jagger, bumping and grinding, rocking and rolling at 80? MarkWoldin Yes, next April. Harry Shearer aka Spinal Tap's Derek Smalls. Photograph: Rob Shanahan/PR Do you have any tips for emerging from a cocoon? dPF77 Make sure you have the key. Did you enjoy it when Spinal Tap appeared on The Simpsons? Did you get to meet any of the voice actors? TopTramp As I recall, the writers or producers almost got us killed on that episode. I thought to myself: “They wouldn’t do that to the Stones!” We met them all at the session and, since we weren’t on camera, I suggested we all do the scenes in the nude. They didn’t think that was funny, so I guess they’ve been doing
comedy for too long. Has being called Derek been a help or a hindrance? TeaCoffeeAndCake The only time it’s been a hindrance is at an LA gig, where the marquee spelled it “Drek”. Do you prefer to slap, finger or pick? TheGeoff Never used a pick. Makes me feel distant from the strings. I tried to slap a few times, but I kept hitting my hand against the knobs. You previously declared of Saucy Jack – a rock musical based on the life of Jack the Ripper – that it’s coming along? timbloke As the politicos like to say, it’s making good progress. Which is better than bad progress. Actually, there have been recent rumours about members of the Ripper family threatening legal action for royalties, so we’re planning on turning our theatrical intentions to less troublesome targets. If a biopic was ever to be made about Spinal Tap, which
Actor do you think would be up to the task of portraying you? arthur_ascii Steven Seagal. Is 10 questions too much or can we go up to 11? DeJongandtherestless They didn’t put little numbers next to the questions, so I lost count. Must Crush Barbie by Derek Smalls is out now