Why is Gregg Wallace alone on a kids’ holiday? Why is he talking about being naked in hotels? And how is this Channel 5 travelogue so great?
Gregg Wallace, Gregg Wallace, Gregg Wallace. I have to be up front and say: I love the man. There are lots of celebrities I enjoy playing a hypothetical game with where I explain who they are and why they are famous in
Britain to someone from another country, and Gregg Wallace is one of my favourite plays.
“Well he’s a greengrocer, basically,” I explain to someone from America or something, where they have dazzlingly glossy celebrities and where Gregg Wallace doesn’t even make an alien sort of sense. “Well, he was. Then he hosted a MasterChef reboot – nobody knows where he came from or why they chose him for that, because he often treats gourmet food as if it’s someone he’s shouting at through a car window – and now he’s sort of a national treasure, I guess. He lost a significant amount of weight and now he poses topless a lot on
Instagram.” The
American is looking baffled now. “You’re not getting it, he goes to factories! He met his wife on Twitter!” They are backing away now, saying something about having to get home to their hamburger, or a small child called Chad. “You don’t understand! Gregg Wallace has an irresistibly kissable head! He is one of Britain’s best celebrities!”