The Onion

England skittled for just 147 by Australia in dramatic start to Ashes series
Magnus Carlsen v Ian Nepomniachtchi: World Chess Championship Game 10 – live!
The 100 best female footballers in the world 2021: Nos 100-41
Alix and Mel Popham: ‘We turned a tragic situation in our life into something positive’ | Andy Bull
Australian Open: Serena Williams withdraws on medical team’s advice
Tennis Australia denies seeking loopholes for unvaccinated players as Novak Djokovic included in draw
Weighing-room staff boycott Bryony Frost over Robbie Dunne case
Carlsen beats Nepomniachtchi for third time in four games to open up big lead
Golfer Thorbjørn Olesen tells court he ‘felt horrible’ after groping accusation
Liverpool make it six wins from six after Salah and Origi hit back at Milan
The Gabba hosted Ashes novelty and normality – then came the first ball
The iconography of the Ashes
‘This is a job’: Why college players reject the insidious term ‘student athlete’
Cummins hails ‘dream start’ after five-wicket haul puts Australia in control
Scarlets forfeit European Cup tie to Bristol with 32 players in quarantine
IOC says it ‘respects’ US boycott of Beijing Winter Olympics
Galal Yafai: ‘Being an Olympic boxing champion is something I can live with for ever’
What is the earliest goal scored in a football match that finished 1-0? | The Knowledge
Tracey Crouch expecting Premier League clubs to resist any regulation
Champions League: Atlético snatch last-16 spot from Porto in furious finale
Mateo Kovacic tests positive for Covid in ‘huge setback’ for Chelsea’s Tuchel
‘Absolutely logical’: sports psychologist joins Rangnick at Manchester United
The 50 best films of 2021 in the UK, No 8: Azor
Don’t Look Up review – slapstick apocalypse according to DiCaprio and Lawrence
‘Funny fat girl’: Rebel Wilson says her team were against her losing weight
Being the Ricardos review – Nicole Kidman makes light comedy look like hard work in Lucille Ball biopic
Dolph Lundgren: post your questions for the actor and director
Lamb review – Noomi Rapace outstanding in wild horror-comedy of Icelandic loneliness
Rebel Wilson says team questioned her fitness journey – video
Journalists in China face ‘nightmare’ worthy of Mao era, press freedom group says
French police arrest man in connection with Jamal Khashoggi killing
Andrew Neil threatens to sue Jennifer Arcuri after tweet about Epstein
Trump’s social media platform hits roadblocks as major political battle looms
Chris Cuomo’s upcoming book pulled by HarperCollins following dismissal by CNN
Cheugy, Glasgow and Eilish among words most mangled by newsreaders in 2021
‘She was very complicated. She was a conundrum’: who was the real Lucille Ball?
Children’s television produced in Australia halved since Coalition scrapped quotas, report finds
The 50 best TV shows of 2021: 50-11
Best comics and graphic novels of 2021
‘He touched a nerve’: how the first piece of AI music was born in 1956
An Ashes series like no other: let the hostilities, or even the respect, begin | Ali Martin
Improving English clubs await moment of truth in Champions Cup | The Breakdown
The 100 best female footballers in the world 2021: Nos 100-71
David Squires on … Premier League regulation and the great Chinese famine
Jude Bellingham fined €40,000 for referee remarks after Dortmund defeat
Magnus Carlsen v Ian Nepomniachtchi: World Chess Championship Game 9 – live!
Scarlets forfeit European Cup tie to Bristol with squad in quarantine
Tottenham games under threat after Covid outbreak at club
Patriots complete just two passes but still beat Bills to take control of AFC East
Australian Open possible as Novak Djokovic named for Serbia in ATP Cup
A Native American designed Washington’s logo. Now his family want it back
Dispatches from the communist party’s people-led review of football governance | Jonathan Liew
Everton’s last-gasp goal rouses Goodison from the depths of despair | Richard Jolly
Best sport books of 2021
China attacks US diplomatic boycott of Winter Games as ‘travesty’ of Olympic spirit
Anderson out as England pick Pope and ponder Broad or Leach for final spot
Citizen Ashe review – tribute to Wimbledon champ and Obama’s quiet inspiration
Scunthorpe’s fall and the story behind their Football League survival fight
Jovic succeeds in being Benzema for night as Madrid leave rivals behind | Sid Lowe
Kurt Zouma out for up to 12 weeks with hamstring injury in blow to West Ham
Demarai Gray stunner and Richarlison earn Everton vital victory over Arsenal
Premier League to trial saliva test to diagnose concussion in players
Hope review – sensitive study of the grief that lies behind a cancer diagnosis
The 50 best films of 2021 in the UK, No 9: The Lost Daughter
Nightmare Alley review – Guillermo del Toro’s trickster thriller is light on treats
West Side Story banned in parts of Middle East over trans character – report
Cabinet ministers mock Daily Telegraph for mistaken identity tweet
David Tennant questions Tory focus on ‘Britishness’ of TV shows
How an Afghan reporter was left to the Taliban by the Foreign Office
Trump’s new media company deal investigated by SEC
Rohingya sue Facebook for £150bn over Myanmar genocide
WhatsApp criticised for plan to let messages disappear after 24 hours
The 50 best TV shows of 2021: 50-21
The 50 best albums of 2021, No 9: Arlo Parks – Collapsed in Sunbeams
Drake withdraws his two 2022 Grammy nominations
Everton 2-1 Arsenal: Premier League – asit happened
Fifa and UN agency plan global network to tackle sexual abuse in sport
Haseeb Hameed could be key if England are to cope with lack of Ashes preparation | Mark Ramprakash
Staggering disparity in FA Cup prize money is holding back women’s football
Wolff fears ‘messy’ finale to Hamilton v Verstappen F1 world title battle
Chesterfield prepare for lucrative Chelsea tie in FA Cup third round
US confirms it will stage diplomatic boycott of Beijing Winter Olympics
Medina Spirit, horse at heart of Kentucky Derby controversy, dies while training
How the Guardian ranked the 100 best female footballers in the world 2021
Adam Peaty: ‘You have to be better than everyone else, there’s no sugar-coating it’
Tromsø release football kit highlighting human rights concerns in Qatar
‘Suspicion and paranoia’: Fifa told to demand fair trial for Abdullah Ibhais
Talking Horses: Tylicky’s £6m claim has wider implications for racing
Red Fred’s redemption and a treble for Chelsea’s women – Football Weekly
Dortmund and Bellingham cry foul in Klassiker but old failings remain | Andy Brassell
Mohamed Salah’s Liverpool contract talks need time, says Jürgen Klopp
Ralf Rangnick lines up Chris Armas for Manchester United coaching staff
The Fiver | Everton’s decline, the first sacrificial lamb and a 27th-minute walkout
Love turns to bitterness for Mourinho as Inter storm the Stadio Olimpico | Nicky Bandini
Guardiola backs De Bruyne to return to his best for Manchester City
Joey Barton found not guilty of assaulting former Barnsley manager
Michael Sheen declares himself a ‘not-for-profit actor’
Film-maker Prano Bailey-Bond: ‘People think horror is just exploding heads’
Spider-Man: No Way Home breaks UK record for advance ticket sales
Christmas in Genovia: what exactly does Hollywood think Europe is?
Project Space 13 review – lockdown comedy takes aim at pretentious artworld
Death Valley review – gross-out monster mayhem creature feature
Not Knowing review – homophobic bullies wreck Turkish water polo kid’s life
The Storms of Jeremy Thomas review – Mark Cousins rides shotgun with uber-producer
Wrath of Man review – Guy Ritchie and Jason Statham reunite in punchy thriller
Cineworld revenues pass pre-Covid levels thanks to Bond, Dune and Venom
‘Crooked bastards’: Trump attacks US media in foul-mouthed speech
Peta Credlin’s apology to South Sudanese community result of human rights commission complaint
‘They had to pick me up off the floor’ – is Ragdoll this year’s goriest murder drama?
Jack Dorsey’s ditched Twitter for bitcoin. Has the social media bubble burst? | Richard Seymour
‘I used every chord on the Casio’ – How we made Manchild by Neneh Cherry
‘I could have done with eight more hours’: readers on the Beatles documentary epic Get Back
Joni Mitchell: ‘I’m hobbling along but I’m doing all right’
The 50 best albums of 2021, No 10: Mdou Moctar – Afrique Victime
Mobo awards 2021: Dave, Little Simz and Ghetts top winners
Madness review – still nutty after all these years
Modern Nature: Island of Noise review – mesmerising musical riff on Shakespeare
Lewis Hamilton says F1 title rival Max Verstappen ‘not driving by the rules’
How important is the first ball of an Ashes series? Just ask Steve Harmison | Tanya Aldred
Fixer. Spiritual leader. Corruptor. But what secrets did Lamine Diack take to his grave? | Sean Ingle
Joe Root backs Darren Gough to make impact at Yorkshire
Peng Shuai: International Tennis Federation does not want to ‘punish 1.4bn people’ with a China boycott
Mud, sweat and gorse: World Masters Cyclo-Cross Championships 2021 – in pictures
The Ravens gambled, went for two points and lost. But it was a smart call
Horner backs ‘gladiator’ Verstappen and ready for ‘straight-out fight’ for F1 title
Introducing: The Final Word Ashes Daily 2021/22
Everton’s director of football Marcel Brands departs amid fans unrest
The 50 best films of 2021 in the UK, No 10: The Tragedy of Macbeth
After Love dominates British independent film awards
Three in four girls have been sent sexual images via apps, report finds
Campaigners threaten UK legal action over porn sites’ lack of age verification
Strictly’s John Whaite ‘expected more criticism’ of show’s first all-male couple
Sky News host Peta Credlin issues lengthy apology to South Sudanese community over Covid comments
Chris Noth on feuds, family and Mr Big: ‘I never saw him as an alpha male’
Kathleen Stock: ‘On social media, the important thing is to show your tribe that you have the right morals’
Brian Clark obituary
Bake-Off contestant Jürgen Krauss: ‘I had to call three families with crying kids to comfort them’
I write ‘women’s commercial fiction’ –why is my work still seen as inferior to men’s? | Emma Hughes
How can children in the UK be protected from seeing online pornography?
The 50 best TV shows of 2021: 50-31
Gang of Youths, Courtney Barnett and Barkaa: Australia’s best new music for December
Arca: KicK iii review – a joyous sonic headrush
No Rome: It’s All Smiles review – a hyperpop headache
Hamilton wins chaotic Saudi Arabian F1 GP to draw level with Verstappen
Chelsea and ‘Kerrby’ combination set standards Arsenal cannot reach | Louise Taylor
Rangnick hails Manchester United’s ‘front-foot’ display in opening win
Ben Stokes set to return for England in first Ashes Test against Australia
Ford kicks Leicester to victory over Harlequins to extend winning run
Magnus Carlsen on verge of retaining title after Nepomniachtchi blunder
China’s Zhao Xintong beats Luca Brecel to claim UK Snooker Championship
Jordan Spieth and Henrik Stenson see funny side after playing from wrong tee
Tottenham sweep Norwich aside after Lucas Moura’s wonder strike
Ezri Konsa’s double sinks Leicester to continue Aston Villa’s ascent
Weightlifter Emily Campbell: ‘My legs were jelly… I’d achieved everything I’d dreamed of’
Fred delivers fresh start but not redemption for Manchester United | Jonathan Liew
Jamaica win final game of series as England’s Jess Thirlby looks to learn
Detroit Lions end 364-day winless streak with last-gasp win over Vikings
Unbeaten Cincinnati make history as they reach College Football Playoff
‘The view was amazing’: John Morris relives his Ashes Tiger Moth escapade | Daniel Harris
European roundup: Juventus earn manager Allegri his 250th Serie A win
Bamford returns from injury to secure late point for Leeds against Brentford
Everton’s director of football Marcel Brands to leave club amid fans unrest
Arsenal 0-3 Chelsea: Women’s FA Cup final 50th anniversary – in pictures
Tom Rogic hits wondergoal as rampant Celtic swat aside Dundee United
Bereaved families demand investigation of every UK gambling-linked suicide
Bill Callahan & Bonnie Prince Billy: Blind Date Party review – revelatory fun with old favourites
Welcome to the Ashes lite. It might just turn out to be quite refreshing | Barney Ronay
It’s good to have Premier League giants – but just how giant should they be? | Jonathan Wilson
Christmas sporting gifts guide: from portable chairs to vodka and gin
Lewis Hamilton takes Saudi Arabian F1 GP pole as Max Verstappen crashes
Divock Origi’s last-gasp strike gives Liverpool dramatic win at Wolves
Exeter win another Saracens grudge match as rivals pay for ill-discipline
Collin Morikawa close to victory in the Bahamas and first world No 1 ranking
Luca Brecel reaches UK Championship final before revealing toilet troubles
Carlsen draws with Nepomniachtchi in game seven to back up breakthrough
Ollie Robinson ready for Ashes takeoff with England after turbulent start
Bryony Frost triumphs in Tingle Creek as Greaneteen grabs glory
Moderniser Rangnick aims to drag Manchester United out of the past
Ashes squads 2021-22: in pictures
England secure netball series win against Jamaica in emphatic style
Starc and Head in as Australia put cards on table early for first Ashes Test
Juarno Augustus helps Northampton pull the plug on sinking Bath
Australia and England must find way through Bear Hunt of Ashes obstacles | Geoff Lemon
Lesley Lloyd: ‘It’s an honour to have won the first Women’s FA Cup’
Micah Richards: ‘There was such a buzz around the Euros. I loved every minute’
Callum Wilson punishes Burnley error to give Newcastle first win of season
Bernardo Silva double sinks Watford to send Manchester City top
Juan Cuadrado incensed after suspect goal decides promotion in Colombia
Brighton snatch point at Southampton thanks to Neal Maupay’s last-gasp goal
Jude Bellingham criticises referee after Dortmund go down to Bayern
Chris Cuomo fired by CNN for helping brother Andrew fight sexual misconduct charges
Nobel winner: ‘We journalists are the defence line between dictatorship and war’
Trump social media company claims to raise $1bn from investors
Jodie Whittaker on saying goodbye to Doctor Who: ‘I thought, what if I’ve ruined this for actresses?’
Can you say Squid Game in Korean? TV show fuels demand for east Asian language learning
Does the Twitter CEO’s departure signal a platform identity crisis? | John Naughton
Olivia Rodrigo: Spotify’s tracking is all about smoke and mirrors
Little Simz review – an introvert on full beam
Billie Eilish: ‘I’ve gotten a lot more proud of who I am’
Flashback – JLS: ‘X Factor was a crash course in this industry. Zero to hero in 10 weeks’