The Onion

Mexico offers 4,000 jobs to new migrant caravan
Lev Parnas wants to unload his dirt on Rudy Giuliani to federal prosecutors, his lawyer says
Life in a Troubled Mississippi Prison, Captured on Smuggled Phones
Alleged neo-Nazis caught with assault rifle charged ahead of Virginia gun rally
Trump impeachment trial opens as watchdog faults White House on Ukraine
Off-duty Hong Kong police officer arrested for supporting protests
Iraq's aging top cleric recovering from surgery after fall
Hank Azaria Won’t Voice Apu ‘Anymore’ on ‘The Simpsons’
Finally, Kids Will Now Get Free Period Products At School
Parnas said he is speaking out because he is afraid of William Barr
Russia: Iran was spooked by reports of U.S. F-35s when it downed airliner
Trump just ran a two-year trade war experiment. It failed
Georgia sets execution for man convicted of killing 2 people
France deploys radar system in Saudi Arabia to 'reassure' kingdom
UK agency wants ‘credible evidence’ before handing over Mo Farah samples
Mourinho reignites Conte feud over Internazionale’s pursuit of Eriksen
Talking Horses: Defi Du Seuil can win Ascot reunion with Un De Sceaux
Dodgy knee tempers Johanna Konta’s expectations in Australian Open
Dean Smith aiming to end Aston Villa’s tendency to ‘catastrophise’ | Paul Doyle
Frank Lampard prepared to go without new Chelsea signings this month
Pep Guardiola: ‘We’re so far away, it’s not interesting to look at Liverpool’
Mikel Arteta says Reiss Nelson no longer ‘confused’ and can shine at Arsenal
Nigel Pearson thought managerial career was over before Watford call
Steve Bruce confident Newcastle can land ‘major’ signing after Ashley talks
Trump calls Iran's Supreme Leader 'not so supreme' in threatening tweet
The 2020 Oscar noms and more news from this week
‘National Treasure 3’ in the Works with Chris Bremner Attached to Write Script
1917 review – Sam Mendes turns western front horror into a single-shot masterpiece
White, male and boring: diversity row should make Bafta look in the mirror
Iran's Khamenei stands by Guards after unrest over downed plane
How Trump's impeachment differs from a criminal trial
Pelosi says Trump has options for State of Union amid impeachment trial
Senate Passes USMCA, Giving Trump a Win Before Impeachment Trial
Rand Paul on Senate trial: 'I don’t think any Republicans are going to vote for impeachment'
Lev Parnas: Rick Perry said he told Ukrainian president aid was contingent on Biden investigation
Will Klopp’s team become the GLOAT (Greatest Liverpool Of All Time)? | Jonathan Wilson
Alan Kennedy: this fantastic Liverpool team reminds me so much of my own
Big Bash League and the importance of putting on a ‘damn good show’ | Jonathan Howcroft
Discover the early years of Annie Wilkes in a new 'Castle Rock' featurette clip (exclusive)
Jury Selection Complete in Harvey Weinstein Trial
UK Weather: Chilly Weekend Ahead As Temperatures Plunge
Did Russian Prime Minister Medvedev Drop a Grim Hint About Putin’s Latest Power Grab?
Meghan McCain: McSally ‘Didn’t Earn’ the Senate Seat She Inherited From My Dad
'You have not seen anything yet,' climate activist Greta says ahead of Davos
Rain douses some Australian bush fires but flash floods now threaten wildlife
12-year sentence for jail phone is 'failure,' justice says
Ukraine president rejects PM's resignation over leaked recording
The start of Trump's impeachment trial had solemn oaths, 'lengthy' yawns, 'pained expressions,' lots of lefties
When Iran Took Americans Hostage, Bernie Backed Iran’s Defenders
Can't sell your presidential plane? Mexico mulls raffle instead
Boeing Is Way Behind Airbus in Race for China’s Next Big Order
Lara Trump is making fun of Joe Biden's stutter
Ollie Pope’s assured innings hints at bright future in England middle order | Chris Stocks
Ollie Pope hailed as ‘phenomenal’ by Ben Stokes after maiden Test ton
Alyssa Nakken becomes first female coach in MLB history
Talking Horses: fatality rate shows worrying Flat and jumps imbalance
Derby hit out at EFL and claim financial fair play charges are unlawful
Young's Manchester United captaincy goes to Maguire after Inter move
Owen Jones Attack Was Motivated By Politics And Sexuality, Court Rules
Disney drops Fox name from 20th Century film studios and Searchlight
Bombshell gets Fox News look 'spot on' say former anchors
WH press secretary tells Fox News she won't hold press briefings because reporters just 'want their moment on TV so they can peddle their books'
Iran Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei calls Trump a 'clown,' defends Iran's military
Guatemalan president says Mexico plans to contain new caravan
Japan convicts Australian who sought to see his children
EU border chief says migrant entries from Turkey on the rise
Charmin debuted a very particular robot for people with a very specific toilet paper-related need
Handshakes, dark suits and money-glaze: welcome to the Mendes supremacy | Barney Ronay
Premier League referees encouraged to use VAR monitors for red-card incidents
Boucher warns against taking passion out of game as Rabada banned for final Test
England stick with familiar faces for Women's T20 World Cup squad
Watch Lev Parnas sing like a canary, or at least Harry Belafonte, via The Late Show
Warren Confronted Sanders After Debate About Calling Her a Liar
Justice Department Stonewalls Senate Democrats on Trump’s War-Crimes Clemency
Trade Truce Offers Farm Relief But How Much Is Still Unclear
Panel finds FAA followed procedures in approving Boeing Max
U.K. monarchy will look smaller in future with Prince Charles
Taliban open to 10-day ceasefire with U.S., talks with Afghan government: sources
Eminem: Music to Be Murdered By review – potent force in search of targets
Saracens to accept second 35-point deduction and effective relegation
England on top after Ollie Pope’s maiden century and two wickets from Dom Bess
India level ODI series against Australia despite Smith defiance
Champions Cup preview: five clubs fight for three best runners-up spots
Latest twist in Saracens salary cap scandal threatens a descent into pure farce | Robert Kitson
Jürgen Klopp says Africa Cup of Nations move is a ‘catastrophe’ for Liverpool
The Fiver | A square peg who has filled a dizzying array of Manchester United holes
Recording Academy CEO Deborah Dugan Out Following ‘Misconduct’ Accusation
Texas carries out first U.S. execution of 2020, putting man to death by lethal injection
Philippines reimposes ban on workers deploying to Kuwait
US admits 11 troops were injured in Iran attack after Trump said there were no casualties
Denver officials won't hand over information sought by ICE
Iran's supreme leader slams 'clown' Trump, says Iran's missile strikes showed 'the hand of God'
Zimbabwe gripped by drama of vice president's nasty divorce
Pakistan court jails dozens of Islamists over Asia Bibi protests
Eminem faces backlash after comparing himself to Manchester Arena bomber
Djokovic’s Melbourne haven may be hazardous for Nadal and Federer | Kevin Mitchell
Numbers game: Arsenal hope to see off Chelsea WSL challenge despite smaller squad
Deborah Dugan’s Attorney Slams Grammys With Fiery Statement After Ouster
Colossally overrated Joker beneficiary of Bafta awards groupthink | Peter Bradshaw
John Roberts likely to play modest role in impeachment trial
Putin’s Power Play: Shuffle the Cabinet But Keep Command
Commerce Minister Piyush Goyal says India has not put curbs on imports from Malaysia, Turkey
Trump again denied knowing Lev Parnas. So Parnas' lawyer posted more robust proof
Sanders climbs, now tied with Biden among registered voters: Reuters poll
Lev Parnas Reveals Why He Turned on Trumpworld
'Days of God': A look at Iran's mounting crises
Philippine volcano still 'life threatening' despite lull
Top of the flops: is streaming rendering the charts obsolete?
Slipknot review – a haven of euphoric noise in a world gone mad
Sports quiz of the week: Conor McGregor, cows, cricket and a crash
Chess: Carlsen secures record but draws threaten chances of victory at Wijk
The goalkeepers’ union: why do they stick up for each other?
Tosin Adarabioyo: ‘In five years I’d like to be Man City captain. It can happen’
Eminem drops a surprise album and music video advocating new 'gun laws in America'
Review: Mac Miller posthumous album is heartbreakingly full
Jess Phillips Interview: 'As Labour Leader, I Will Never Live In A Bunker. I Relish Rebellion'
Prince William Thought A Photo Of Himself Was Princess Charlotte
Derek Fowlds, Star Of Heartbeat And Yes Minister, Dies Aged 82
Guardian and Observer appeal raises £1m for tree charities
During impeachment trial, Trump will be chilling in Swiss resort
Huawei exec set to fight Canada court battle against US extradition
Florida high court sides with governor on felon voter rights
China posts weakest growth in 29 years as trade war bites, but ends 2019 on better note
Europe Scrambles to Fight Off Threat of U.S. Tariffs on France
Hong Kong protest medic arrested on China mainland say fellow students
Bombay Bicycle Club: Everything Else Has Gone Wrong review – songs to buy a mid-range hatchback to
Tracks of the week reviewed: Dream Nails, Tame Impala, Georgia
Saracens face threat of automatic relegation in salary cap saga
Manchester United make Harry Maguire new full-time captain
Johanna Konta fit for Australian Open but will skip GB duty in Fed Cup
Talking Horses: drop in fatality rate is disputed by animal rights body
Is cheating the rotten heart of American sports?
Late night hosts break out the popcorn as 'smoking goon' Lev Parnas 'spills the borscht' on Trump and Ukraine
Taika Waititi 'invited to work on new Star Wars film'
Ivan Passer obituary
US Ambassador’s Moustache Inflames Washington And Seoul Tensions
Panama Religious Sect Investigated Over Discovery Of 7 Bodies After Suspected Exorcism
Grammys' First Ever Female Chief Removed From Post 10 Days Before Ceremony Following Misconduct Allegation
Patrick Stewart Admits He Once Watched Himself In Star Trek On A Hotel TV... But Things Did Not End Well
Trump Wears Glasses? Photographer Snaps Rare Pic Of The Presidential Peepers
Immigration agency subpoenas sanctuary city law enforcement
Khamenei: 'Bitter' plane tragedy should not cloud Soleimani's 'sacrifice'
U.S. warship transits Taiwan Strait less than week after election
'We can't wait': Maldives desperate for funds as islands risk going under
Pen-t up anger: Republicans pounce on Pelosi over ceremonial writing tools
Guatemala breaks off diplomatic relations with Venezuela
London Is the Place for Me: Music of Young Black London, Vols 7 & 8 review | Ammar Kalia's global album of the month
Eminem compares himself to Manchester Arena bomber on new track
Halsey: Manic review – takes confessional pop to the next level
Mac Miller: Circles review
Bombay Bicycle Club: Everything Else Has Gone Wrong review
070 Shake: Modus Vivendi review
South Africa v England: third Test, day two – live!
Saracens face continuing uncertainty as threat of relegation intensifies
Transfer latest, Liverpool v Manchester United news and more – live!
UFC happy to promote flawed Conor McGregor in the pursuit of profit
India v Australia: second one-day international – live!
Kagiso Rabada banned for final Test against England after Root send-off
NFL conference championship picks: a Chiefs-Packers Super Bowl?
Football transfer rumours: Cavani to Manchester United or Spurs?
Eminem Slammed Over 'Disgusting' Reference To Manchester Bombing On New Album
Sex Education Series 2: Emma Mackey Reveals How The Netflix Show's Huge Success Has Changed Her Life
The ‘Science’ In Gwyneth Paltrow's The Goop Lab Seems Convincing... At First
Evan Davis Left 'Mortified' After BBC Show's Mix-Up Over Booking OJ Simpson's Lawyer
Panama probes suspected killing of seven by religious sect
Political Turmoil to Be ‘New Normal’ for 2020, Risk Firm Says
Pelosi Names Impeachment Prosecutors, Triggering Senate Trial
Global economy anaemic and incomes likely to suffer, U.N. says
Guatemala's new president cuts ties with Venezuela, as promised
Fires, then floods: How much can a koala bear?
U.S., Japan May Invest in Indonesia Islands Near South China Sea
Pelosi angers GOP by using 30 different personalized pens to sign Trump's 'sham' impeachment articles
Ukraine gives Trump the corruption investigation he asked for
Therapist charged with killing family faced fraud probe
Trump Attaches Severe Restrictions to Puerto Rico's Long-Delayed Disaster Aid
Political rockers Algiers: 'The US is in a complete spiral and collapse'
Stephen Colbert and Trevor Noah are pretty sure Trump doesn't know what he's doing in Iran, the Middle East
Kathy Bates: 'I told Clint that after 50 years, I feel like I've hit the big time'
How can we make award shows more diverse? – video explainer
Netflix, Marvel, Brexit – and Weinstein: how this decade radically reshaped cinema’s heroes and villains
My Husband Said He’d Get A Vasectomy But Hasn’t. I’m Okay With That
Prince Harry's Latest Instagram May Contain A Hidden Message
Gripping Images Show Mourning Koala Beside Dead Companion In Australia Fires
14 Rude But Funny Valentine’s Day Cards
Doing Veganuary? These Coffee Chains Now Offer Free Plant-Based Milk Options
I Host Sex Parties For A Living. I Wouldn’t Swap Lives With Anyone
Social media firms 'should hand over data amid suicide risk'
Was anyone ever so young? What 10 years of my Instagram data revealed
Trump Asks JPMorgan Leader to Say ‘Thank You, Mr. President’
Andrew Yang's wife details alleged sexual assault by doctor
Former Philippine police chief will be charged for drug war corruption
'You're a liberal hack': Republican senator snaps at CNN journalist who asked her about impeachment trial
Latin America’s Most Disliked President Kicks Off Pension Reform
Police: Husband nearly ran over wife 2 years before killing
Germany's other migration wave: the pensioner exodus
The future's oranje: Dutch bands embrace their own language
This Massachusetts 6-year-old is making clay koalas to raise funds for Australian animals
Trump threatened UK with 25% car tariffs unless it agreed to accuse Iran of breaking nuclear deal
Iran's top leader to lead Friday prayers at time of crisis
U.S. intelligence chiefs reportedly want to scrap their public global threat testimony to avoid angering Trump