President Trump's attempts to block former National Security Adviser John Bolton's tell-all from hitting shelves "ain't gonna work,"
Stephen Colbert said on Wednesday's Late Show, holding up his own advance copy, one of hundreds. Still, he said, "you can see why Trump is so desperate to kill this book. Because this afternoon, several newspapers published excerpts, and — I can't believe I'm saying this — it's worse that even I imagined." He ran through some of Bolton's revelations, rising from "amoral idiocy" to "just downright evil." Still, he said, "I doubt Trump would ever 'execute' a journalist. He'd ask Jared to have his Saudi
Friends do it."
"Bolton writes that Trump said journalist should be executed, he didn't know
Britain was a nuclear power, he asked if Finland was part of
Russia, he begged the Chinese to help him with the
election,"
Jimmy Kimmel recapped. "Could you imagine the president asking his advisers if Finland is part of Russia? He's the president of the United States! This is like your mechanic asking if the muffler is part of the glove compartment."
"Trump is, in his own unique way, breathtakingly dumb," Late Night's
Seth Meyers said, primarily referring to Trump's administration-wide "coronavirus coverup." And don't cry for Bolton, who "courageously hid behind his mustache rather than testify in Trump's impeachment trial," he said. "There's no one — no one — to root for in a Trump versus Bolton fight. They're both megalomaniac sociopaths looking out for themselves. It's a real Alien vs. Predator, except all you need to do to stop Alien Trump is install a ramp."
Meanwhile, "Republicans are mad at Bolton for writing a book that's critical of Trump,"
Jimmy Fallon said at The
Tonight Show. "That's why the blurb on the back just says 'No one is happy about this.' — Everyone." Fallon said he wasn't too upset to see Aunt Jemima scrapped, but "Trump was bummed, because Aunt Jemima was the only black woman in his cabinet."
The
Late Show canceled other (imaginary) racist syrup brands.
"That's right, after 130 years, it is officially time to pour one out for Aunt Jemima,"
Trevor Noah said at
The Daily Show, running through the brand's racist history, with early ads "so racist, Trump's probably gonna appoint one to attorney general." Bolton's book, meanwhile, is now No. 1 on
Amazon, thanks to Trump's amazingly "shortsighted" suppression efforts, he noted, but "the stuff that's been leaking out of this book is pretty wild." Watch below.